Suffocation

When do I get to finally claim control over my own life? When do I get to stop reporting to fucking everyone else about my own life? I literally can't do anything without prior permission from someone else. I can't stand it anymore. It hurts. I am turning 24 in 2 weeks and have no life of my own. I have accomplished nothing. I have gone nowhere. And even my pride is being taken away. I am basically still a teenager. Reporting to someone constantly. I am on the edge of a monumental breakdown.

Salsa, Etc.

I am ADDICTED to chips and salsa. (Guacamole is my favorite but let's face it... most of the year is not avocado season and it just isn't the same.)
I mean, yeah. I want to tour France and go wine tasting, go try pastas in Italy, but I'll tell you what. I wish I could take a salsa tour. Liquidy salsas, pico de gallo, all of it. With various recipes of tortilla chips. Mmmmmm mmmmm! My dad makes the best pico de gallo out there, only to be rivaled by a brand or two to be found at QFC and Trader Joes. But they still don't even tie. And as far as canned salsas go, I just cannot find out that is that amazing. I love them, sure. I am eating one now. I have tried mango salsa, regular salsa, hot salsa, green salsa, and "tropical salsa" (a combination of pineapple, oranges, cilantro, jalapenos, and other ingredients that I can only describe as 'salsa heaven') and yet still I feel unsatisfied.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a salsa cook book, because I am tempted to embark on the wonderful world of salsas come spring time. Meanwhile, I recently talked to Michael about getting out my dessert cook books and making one a week/every other week (as I can afford to buy ingredients.) Which also makes me want to try different pasta dishes. So these are things I need. A fancy dessert cookbook (possibly could be found in my own book shelf,) a salsa cookbook (don't even know if it exists,) and a book of nothing but pasta.
Basically I suppose what this completely pointless blog is coming down to, is one simple fact. I have a true love in my life.
And that,
is food.

With love, as always. Nom nom nom.

Rushing in the 20somethings.

Time. This is something that has been on my mind as of late. "Time" is a very loose term; one to be taken in multiple ways. Something I don't understand, is how to we know whether we are rushing things when we are in our 20s? Yes, I realize that our 20s is still quite young and that we have a long way to travel. However. In my childhood and teens I feel like "time" was so much longer. A simple two months to a 15 year old could mean only one thing: Summer Vacation. This measly two months was infinitely enough time to recharge and refresh so that the return to school in fall felt like waking up from a very peaceful and restful night's sleep. If you took one of us: college students, moms, dads, employees.... and gave us a two month vacation, I am almost dead certain each one of us would whine uncontrollably.... "Can't I have more time?" Now, I do also realize that the life of a 20something is far more difficult and trying than that of an adolescent. However, I really do believe that it is not all about the difficulty of life. I believe it is the speed in which time goes while you're in your 20s. Rather, the perception of time moving along in your 20s. There is a gray area we all hit, someplace between 18 and 21, that all of the sudden when we come back out the other side of the place we didn't even know we were, life is passing us by. Time is speeding us forward with no possible way to hit the brakes.


The standards in which you hold yourself in your adolescence are so much different than that of a 20something. But here's the problem I am having. How do you know when you have officially moved beyond the "time is simply moving faster" level, and gone right into the "I am pushing myself too hard" zone. A relationship for example. When you are a teenager and feeling that puppy love, it doesn't really become "serious" until about a year. Or at least that's how it went for my group of friends. (Okay sure, in the moment at age 15 you think you're "in love" within 2 minutes of meeting a cute guy... but let's face it... looking back on it now, the "serious relationships" are definitely those that lasted a year or so.) Nowadays though, someone exclusively dates their significant other for four months are it's considered "serious." Not that I am in disagreement with this idea. I go along with it as well. We all do, on some level. Your friends, my friends, everyone knows someone who got married to their partner within a year of meeting. That's right. I said "meeting." Not "dating." And what's great? Odds are, you have already pictured "that" couple in your mind. There is nothing wrong with this. That's just the 20something Time Warp. It's like relationships hit light speed once you hit about 22 years old. Younger for a select few. Again, not disagreeing: merely pointing out what most of us have already noticed. So what is "too soon?" When does saying "I love you" become forcing it? When is "popping the question" considered rushing things? I know, I know. "It all depends on the couple." But my question is, how the hell can you tell?

Careers. That's another one. Whether you're a full time student or a part-time employee at Dairy Queen. Doesn't matter. The dreaded "career" is constantly on our minds. Invading conversation, interrupting sleep, effecting decisions, and driving our motives and emotions. Each individual has an age in mind by which they were supposed to be "grown-up." You know, career, family, house, car, thousands of dollars of debt with a dog and white fence. Mine was 26. I am quickly approaching 24 and, I can tell you with certainty, I am so far off. Was setting an "age" even a good idea? Was I pushing things for myself back before I even realized that the perception of time would speed up with each passing year? I think perhaps I did. But now that the years have begun to simply speed by me, I feel ever more often the impulse to speed up my life within that light-speed time. What I mean to say is, since I can feel the quicker pace in which time is moving by me (or the other way around) I feel even more compelled to shorten the amount of time I take to do things. Job hunting for example. Bad economy or not, within a few months of job hunting I've practically given up. A lot of people have. Within a year of being out of school and trying to save the money to go back, I almost feel as if it will never happen. I am only 23 years old. Why am I constantly in such a rush to reach the end?

Life is basically already simply a way to consume time before "The End." And regardless of what you may believe in (Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, body rotting 6 feet under) the End is inevitable. It WILL come. So am I right in wanting to move things along? Is my desire to truly experience life's offerings really within reason? I stand firm behind the notion that I want to taste life before I can't anymore. Therefore, I think my perception of how quickly I am to do that is a bit.... skewed. However, I also believe something a bit contradictory. And that, is that I am not rushing at all. I just have such a passion and desire for the magnificent things life can offer that I am feeling contained by time. Restrained, even.

I don't know, 20somethings. You tell me. What is "too fast," "too soon," and "too much." Is there even such a thing?

Something to ponder.

With love.

Getting It Out There

There are things weighing on my mind this evening so I felt compelled to get them out in to the world so that hopefully I can let them go for at least a little while.

This is an annonymous message to a few people who will remain unnamed.

1. I miss you more than I can form into words, and I just pray that you know that.

2. Our friendship went to hell. And I am better off without you in my life.

3. I love you. Plain and simple.

4. I am thankful that you have been, and always will be, in my life.

5. Sometimes I look back on our memories and feel a little meloncholy... but mostly, I am just happy to have gotten past it all. Past you, past that time in my life.

6. I have no respect for you, and that will not change.

7. You are like family to me, and although I disagree with some of your decisions, I truly wish you nothing but the best.