Run away

Some days I wish I could run away. I would pack up anything my little Lola could hold and I would take off. I would live off of the money I have left and I would go live. I would experience something. I would learn a new song on guitar while sitting on the hood of my car watching the sunrise in the painted desert. I would take pictures of the waves breaking at dusk on the west coast. I would meet new friends in a little bar heading east. I would see things like the tap dancing chicken or the worlds biggest rubber band ball. I would buy fresh flowers just to sit in my passenger seat for a day or 2 until they wilted. I would set up camp in a beauitful forest and would go exploring in caves in Montana. I would taste snowflakes on my tongue and make funny shapes with the steam of my breath in the cold.
Life has grown to be rather plain. Sure, I have wonderful times with friends and family and boyfriend, but life itself, in the big picture, has settled into a groove. A rut. I want to experience life. Something outside of this place. I am thinking that I will save up all of my vacation time at work, and either upon quitting my job or just one big vacation in off-season, I am going to pack up and head out for as long as I can make those vacation hours carry me through without starving or running out of gas. I might invite someone to tag along on this adventure, as that would be the safe thing to do. But who knows where I'll be when I finally go.

Cant even explain

Pretty much ready to blow up, and I need to vent so badly! But the problem is that I cant turn to anyone to talk to them about it, and I cant put anything online because it directly has to do with people who will see anything I put online. In all seriousness though I am so heated and upset and I don't even know to handle it. I am currently trying to just drink my coffee and enjoy my song of the day and remember that nothing anyone else does or says matters. Because I am happy. Damn happy. And you if you truely don't want that for me, then maybe I will be reconsidering our friendship. You are selfish and a liar and I see right through everything you have been doing and saying. It hurts me that you would act this way. But I am moving through the hurt and getting to just plain angry, and soon after that you and I will be done.

Put that in your back pocket and sit on it.

Burning Out

There are days like today when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. This phenomenon is not to be taken too seriously, though. I am just burning out. I'm burning out of my dead-end job, of living at home, of seeing the same exact EXACT people every single day (minus a couple of intentional ones.) Burning out of my car, my routine, my dead-end in learning new things, my choice of books to read. Burning out on the food I eat and the starbucks drink I drink (thank god gingerbread will be here soon....), the things I have to say each day, and how I cant rearrange my room. I am burning out on my clothes and smoking and the music I listen to. I need to mix it up and mix it up soon. However, it's all a means to an end. The dead-end job is helping me save up money to move out on my own and eventually have a newer car. And I am pretty certain that as soon as I move out things will be shaken up just enough to allow me to get out of this funk that I am in. But until then, I am constantly on the search for change. Picking up new books, making new hobbies, trying to get into the old ones that I had let slide by. I need to get motivated.

I say all of this but at the end of the day, depression takes over. I don't have the energy to kick-start my life, and when it really boils down to it? The desire to. It's easier to just stick with things how they are and always were. This all ties in to that whole risk-taking phobia of mine. If I move out and I dont make it, I let down my parents, my friends, my boyfriend... myself. And there's nothing I hate more than being a disappointment.

I am trying to stay positive. In truth I have been more positive in this last month than I had in probably the entire year prior. So I suppose that in a small way- a very small way- I am making progress. It just doesn't feel that way. I am still the same old me when I look in the mirror. When I really take everything into consideration the simple idea that I know I want change says something.

Thanks for listening to my rediculous pity party, and I am confident that it will wear off. I just need to keep plowing through the routine until it becomes bearable again.

Night all.