Gone But Never Forgotten

Everyone leaves a footprint on other human beings. At some point in our lives, multiple points in our lives, we impact some one's life permanently. That random meeting of a person that forever alters the direction your life will go; the people you meet, the job you have, the way you spend your free time, and therefore, who you grow into in that moment. Every smile you give a stranger, every eye-contact you give an acquaintance, and every word that you send a friend will alter who they are. Regardless of how small the impact, believe me, it's there.

She may not have been a huge part of my life. But as the 6th anniversary of my God Sister's death quickly approaches, I am reminded of how much the little interaction we had impacted me. She truly did effect me. This little note is just to solidify to myself that she is still in my thoughts. She took herself out of this world, but in my heart she will live on vicariously through my experiences. I think that even though I have some serious work to do on my life, she would be rather proud of the woman I am slowly becoming.

Take this into consideration. The next time you have the opportunity to hold open a door for someone, or smile at a stranger looking your direction, take it. Talk to your loved ones. Express how you feel. Because you will impact their existence in such a way that I cannot even describe to you. On a similar note, when a serendipitous encounter occurs, take hold of the reigns and ride it out! Trust me when I tell you: it will pay off.

Just ask my boyfriend.

With love,
Always.

Hmmm

Uggg....

Paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to get some sleep before I start obsessing unnecessarily.

Ruin is a Gift

Just a couple of things to talk about on my mind.

One: The words "uh-oh" or "oops" in a hair salon. When a woman walks in to a hair salon, the last thing in any language she wants to hear is either "uh-oh" or "oops." At work, no biggie. In the kitchen at home, no biggie. Art project, no biggie. You're getting the idea. But I'll tell you what, you get the row of mirrors with a woman in front of each; either with scissors currently being held up with hair in them, or head full of foil. Then you place a hairdresser somewhere in the midst and have them say "oops," and every single back is going to straighten and all eyes will widen. On a similar note, I still can't get used to my hair. In fact, when I saw a picture of my boyfriend and I together with this hair, I was saddened. Everyone else loves it. I sadly, do not. I hope that adding more blonde to it will help me like it more.

Two: I currently have two musical instruments in my room, and can I just say: Music, I have missed you. And I am so glad to have you re-entering my life.

Three: There are so many things I want to commit to, without any idea how to do it. Take time on my yoga mat every day. Play music in free time instead of just stuffing my face. Save money- stop going out for lunch when I have soup in my kitchen. Quit smoking. Sometime, hopefully soon, I will find the will power to do all of these things.

Four: Seriously anyone who has not yet read Eat Pray Love needs to get on it. I realize that not everyone will have the same reaction to it that I did. As basically the book is becoming much like a bible to me, and now that I own the movie, it literally speaks to my soul. But in all seriousness, it gives some magnificent new views. How to really enjoy life. How to let go and cry. How to love yourself. To be free of guilt and pain. Here's a quote from it for you to sit on.

"I realized that maybe my own life hasnt been so chaotic. It's just the world that is, and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

Five: Every day I open myself up to love more and more. And you know what? I really believe that it is making a difference in the quality of my life. And it will pay off. Everything that is meant to happen will.

And that is where I leave off tonight.

Goodnight.
With love.

Wrapping Up 2010

As I move through my life day to day I slowly am putting myself together. Setting up who I am going to be for the rest of my life. Solidifying friends, moving forward with a career (or at least trying to,) learning what makes me angry and what I am capable of letting go... If someone were to tell me a year ago what a huge life-changing and experience-filled year this would have been I would have told them they were crazy. I loved and lost, mourned and laughed, got a new car and had to fix it up, I started learning a new musical instrument, playing games, and accomplishing things on my life list. I have spent days in bed crying, and time outdoors taking pictures, and I have become so comfortable in my own skin that I finally can look myself in the mirror without wincing and wishing I was looking at someone else.

As this year is coming to a close, I can think back and be nothing but grateful for everything life has taught me and given me this year. I believe it was all the direction I needed to go. (Minor annoyances forgiven.)

I can only imagine what the next year will bring me, but I already have a few resolutions that I will be working on. (And have gotten a jump start on.)

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I would like to express some things I am thankful for. However, this is only a few.

Brittany- You and I always have our times that we do not spend time together and don't really speak to one another, and I am so thankful that even after those silences we can go back to being sisters as always without even missing a beat. I carry you in my heart every day.

Alex- You are a beautiful little boy and even though I do not spend nearly as much time with you as I should, I love you more than anything out there and would do anything to see you laugh.

Mom and Dad- Even though you wont see this, your love and support this year has truly
overwhelmed me.

Aunt Sandra and Uncle Earl- Likewise, you will not see this. But the vacation from my life you allowed me to take, and the new perspective you put on things allowed me to come back to the real world and face my problems head on. And kick the shit out of them :)

Michael- You are quickly becoming one of my best friends, and the connection we have (psychic abilities included) is magical and amazing and I am just glad to have had you around. I am thankful to get to close out this year with you, and begin a new one with you at my side.

Mother nature- You gave us a pretty messed up year, but this autumn has been a beautiful and happy one, and I hope that you bring us snow like all the weather people seem to believe you will.

The book Eat Pray Love- This book made me take a step back and observe my life in a new light. I restarted a few things about myself because of this book, and I will continue to go back to it when times get tough. If I could hug the author right now, I would.

Seth- I am so glad that you and I have reconnected, and I feel a bond with you that I know will result in a life-long friendship. Thanks for being there when I need you, and I hope you know that I will be there for you as well.




That is all for now, perhaps when I get back in to the typing mood later I will resume this thanking list. In the mean time, Adios.
With love, as always.

All about me.

These had been mini-posts on my facebook, and I decided to consolodate them in to this post. Originally, it was these mini-posts that were why it was suggested to me to write a blog. So they should get saved, I think. Plus its a little added insight into me, for those of you who don't already know these things. Also, just to mention, these are all old, so anything talking about the "now" or a recent time ("in the last hour" for example) was actually back in July and August when it was written.





i used to build cardboard box castles and wish i still could. i am hotheaded. i want to study archaeology & astronomy. i like to wear dresses, but live in chuck taylors. i wish i was born in a different era- i love swing music and the 40s style too much to be stuck in this generation forever. i eat like shit & ...love every calorie of it. & finally, i have a lawn gnome named harlan- he takes adventures with me.

I want a mini giraffe. I love thai food. I love having my room cold and snuggling under the covers. My car's name is Lola, and she is named after the sticker I put on the back of her- which I named myself. I hate Robot Chicken. My dog will eat plastic bags to get to crumbs. I have chronic migranes and hate... when people say they "have a migrane" when its an effing headache. Piss off.

i can tie a knot with one hand, without using a thumb. i have learned well that your whole life can turn around in 1 week. i hate hiccups. i have sock monkey slippers and sheets. i want to travel so bad it hurts. im a pack rat. i am longing for something. the idea of being proposed to makes ...me smile. and i love socks way too much- if you ever dont know what to buy me, resort to socks.

i have a current obsession with Rosi Golan. i have had the urge to cry for the last hour. my tummy is all butterflies. someday i want to drive route 66. all i want is to be loved. i love tshirts, and clearly that wont be changing any time soon. i miss my cat rylie like crazy. i love bestest fernd brittany to ...the 100th power. i hate math. i have always wished i had dimples. i am thankful for my freckles

i want to someday see a real ballet. i love how someone became one of my best friends so quickly. i want more tattoos, because 8 is not enough. i love being kissed on my forehead and eyes, and i love when the hair is pushed from my eyes. when i feel love, i physical...ly feel it in my heart. and thats not a lie. its a wonderful feeling. i love roller coasters.

i miss someone ive never even met (didnt know that was possible). i am watching the 3rd season of friends for the 1000th time, it still hasnt gotten old. i miss school like crazy. im craving oreos- im a dipper. i love my camera collection. i have money from over 30 countries. i have a bucket list that i ...actively work on, and have for 3 years now. and eat love pray is changing my life.

i dont like the godfather and have only seen half of the first one. i want someone to buy my daisies. i need a girls night asap. i like popping my gum and popping my back. i love to sneeze. i hate the color mauve. and i dont like hashbrowns, or eddie murphy. or carlos mencia for that matter.

Lightening and Speeches.

This sort of evolved into to something I hadnt anticipated, and may change into something different entirely. But hey. Here it is for now. Hope you enjoy.
With love.

Lightening and Speeches
11-5-10


If I could tell you in words
how my heart lights up
when you look in my direction

With that sly little wink
you send across the room
to iterate your attraction

I would get lost in speech
for days and days
not knowin where to stop and inhale

And even then
I doubt you'd conceive
what my speech would be trying to reveal

If I could show you in light
the way that it feels
when my soul ignites to your touch

Lightening would become rain
pouring from the clouds
but alas, that wouldnt be enough

Sadly though I must admit
there's no way
to properly express my emotions

Other than these typed attempts
which in the end
are nothing more than a token

All I can say
is do not take for granted
what I have to give

For if you stick around
I can promise this
you will feel what it's like to live.

Deep sigh of relief

So for a couple of days now I have been feeling some fairly serious anxiety. I am prepping emotionally and mentally for something that I dont yet know is going to happen. I say this with a fair amount of certainty, as whenever I experience this unsettling sensation it is inevitable that something is coming.
I just keep hoping and praying that it is not going to be me directly on the chopping block. I would like to believe that I have paid my dues for 2010 and that my holding my breath and the feeling of instant cement having been inserted into my stomach is on someone else's behalf. I dislike sounding so... selfish. But I cannot help that at this point. I don't want things to get all fouled up for me.
So here is my plea into cyber space, please please please let me wake in the morning and be able to breathe a deep sigh of relief, having realized that nothing bad is coming- there is no impending doom.
However, if it happens to be an alien takeover or zombie invasion please note: I have a flight to catch immediately after I hear the news, so say your goodbyes promptly.

Goodnight cyberspace.
With love.