"Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me. Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
This quote could not possibly make more sense to me. As is the one below this...
"Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me"
I am really not a great person. I can make someone feel like they are my world and that they are all that matters. I can make them feel like theyre on the top of the world. Until I dont feel like it anymore. Then I can pull the rug out from under them and move on while are still wondering what happened. I dont do this on purpose. It just sort of... happens.
I dont particularly LIKE being this kind of person. But I dont know how to turn it off. I, do, however, try to avoid being like that. I try not to get bored. I try not to play people. But you know what happens after your heart is broken one too many times? You start breaking others hearts. Again, not intentionally.
This is not some cry for help, or a warning to who I am currently seeing. This is just me, jotting down a thought I had when I remembered a favorite quote of mine. Dont take this and run with it, please. It wont do anyone any good.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Copy Paste
Just to add another blog, really get it started, I copy pasted a note I made on Facebook.
when i slow down and take a look at my life i am saddened. i cannot explain this phenominon, as technically i do realize that i am young and have plenty of time to get on track. but i just am not living up to what i could be... i am not going the directions i want. i have lost my drive and my will to strive for my dreams. somewhere along the way i gave up. i dont know when it was, or when exactly i realized it. but i did. i let myself go. every day is a new battle to try and find it again. "it" being the desire to do good. and i dont mean "do well." i mean do good. i want to help people. i want to make a child smile. i want to look back on these years and not regret a single thing. i want to reach for the stars, and grab them. i want to feel content with myself at the end of the night, and happiness from within every morning. i stopped going to counceling. not because i cant afford it, or because i dont need it anymore. but because it is easier not to go, than to go.
i am listening to this beautiful song being played by Jon Schmidt, a composer, called "Hymn of Nature." and i wonder to myself, when did i decide that music was unfulfilling? and i dont mean listening to it, as i still so actively do. but i mean writing it. playing it. living it. on my life list is to own a piano again, or atleast a nice keyboard. and i will.
most people look at me, and they cant see the sadness. the discomfort. the distaste for my own life. but its there. bubbling under the surface, threatening to ruin everything i wish i could have. i dont totally know why i am admitting this in public in this manner. clear my conscience? maybe. get attention? not really, no. i think its really just that... if i put it out there, into the cosmic void, i take ownership and responsibility for these feelings. i take back control.
i have given up on hobbies. i stopped doing everything i love to do, and for what? i dont even remember. i expect more from myself. i want more for myself. i guess im really just trying to find my way back to me.
one day at a time, right?
when i slow down and take a look at my life i am saddened. i cannot explain this phenominon, as technically i do realize that i am young and have plenty of time to get on track. but i just am not living up to what i could be... i am not going the directions i want. i have lost my drive and my will to strive for my dreams. somewhere along the way i gave up. i dont know when it was, or when exactly i realized it. but i did. i let myself go. every day is a new battle to try and find it again. "it" being the desire to do good. and i dont mean "do well." i mean do good. i want to help people. i want to make a child smile. i want to look back on these years and not regret a single thing. i want to reach for the stars, and grab them. i want to feel content with myself at the end of the night, and happiness from within every morning. i stopped going to counceling. not because i cant afford it, or because i dont need it anymore. but because it is easier not to go, than to go.
i am listening to this beautiful song being played by Jon Schmidt, a composer, called "Hymn of Nature." and i wonder to myself, when did i decide that music was unfulfilling? and i dont mean listening to it, as i still so actively do. but i mean writing it. playing it. living it. on my life list is to own a piano again, or atleast a nice keyboard. and i will.
most people look at me, and they cant see the sadness. the discomfort. the distaste for my own life. but its there. bubbling under the surface, threatening to ruin everything i wish i could have. i dont totally know why i am admitting this in public in this manner. clear my conscience? maybe. get attention? not really, no. i think its really just that... if i put it out there, into the cosmic void, i take ownership and responsibility for these feelings. i take back control.
i have given up on hobbies. i stopped doing everything i love to do, and for what? i dont even remember. i expect more from myself. i want more for myself. i guess im really just trying to find my way back to me.
one day at a time, right?
Me, Me, and more Me.
Recently I have been asked by several to people to start blogging, so here I am. Even though I will really only end up with approximately 2 followers, I'll give this a shot.
A little about me I guess is a good place to begin.
My heart was shattered this year, and no. I have not totally recovered yet. I fear spiders almost more than anything, but if it were spiders or death, I would choose spiders. This should show you how afraid of death I am. I officially hate organized religion. This is subject to change. Sometimes I intentionally don't eat. I have green sea glass in my room for a reason. This reason I may never tell a soul... minus the one who already knows. I have a teddy bear named Kaden which means more to me than any of you could understand. I carry sadness with me everywhere I go, Even behind my smile. I have a great boyfriend who treats me like a goddess. I crave learning. I actually really enjoy listening to instrumental music-primarily piano, though.
A little about me I guess is a good place to begin.
My heart was shattered this year, and no. I have not totally recovered yet. I fear spiders almost more than anything, but if it were spiders or death, I would choose spiders. This should show you how afraid of death I am. I officially hate organized religion. This is subject to change. Sometimes I intentionally don't eat. I have green sea glass in my room for a reason. This reason I may never tell a soul... minus the one who already knows. I have a teddy bear named Kaden which means more to me than any of you could understand. I carry sadness with me everywhere I go, Even behind my smile. I have a great boyfriend who treats me like a goddess. I crave learning. I actually really enjoy listening to instrumental music-primarily piano, though.
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