Destination Unclear

Taking risks is something that people fear, each one having their own reasoning. I fear taking risks because the idea of letting others down is horrifying to me. I weigh in factors about the outcome and possibilities, think about the people who may be counting on me in certain situations, and if the risk seems to too great I wont take it. I dont want to let people down. I am constantly in a state of wanting to please other people.

This last year has been a real trial for me. I have been working on learning how to break away from that, and how to concentrate on making myself happy first. Then others. Which is why things have been so hard lately. At my job I am being talked about behind my back and called a bad manager. I am "unapproachable." The only thing that has changed about me is my title. I still do the same job and treat the staff the same way. I dont know how to explain this occurance- people suddenly turning on me. But I am glad that we're getting a whole new staff. We can start fresh with people who actually are willing to work, and who actually respect management. I say all of this, trying to be practical and strong. But the bottom line is that it really bugs me. I dont like the idea of people saying these things about me. Because theyre not true. If anything, I am too easy on them and let them get away with too much.

On a similar note, there are people out there who are spreading lies about me any chance they get. I understand that having your ego cut down a peg can be excruciating. But really. This is just rediculous.

I have been in plenty of relationships where I am doing nothing but compromising. Compromising what I want, who I am, what I deserve. This is not to say that compromise isnt a good thing, because it is. But when I am the only one doing it, it isnt right. Michael on the other hand, although this relationship being incredibly new still, is so easy to get along with. By now I would have found atleast 10 things that bug me about him. I always do that. I pick apart the person I date. And yet, nothing. It's a good feeling.

So, now that I have droned on and on, what this all really boils down to is my desire to be happy. I am going to do anything in my power to do that. I will continue enjoying the wonderful relationship I am in. I will constantly try to leave work and work and not bring it home with me. I will save more money and be moving out by my birthday (this is my goal.) I will let go of "friends" who bad-mouth me and dont actually give a damn. I will make the effort to spend more time with the friends that truely care and wouldnt go behind my back. I dont know where this all will take me, as the destination is unclear. But I know that I am willing to get there. And thats a step in the right direction.

Have a good day everyone.










Found bits of an old poem, decided to post them as well, as they kind of tied in.

Destination Unclear

Can’t believe these things I’m feeling
Unsure of the things I’m reliving
Never again did I think id see this place
Yet somehow I can only picture your face

Thoughts like raindrops falling
Hear your voice out loud calling
Wondering if this is really right
Do I give up and flee or stand up and fight?

My tears are like liquid fire
The map I have long since expired
Lost in the forest I call my mind
On the outside ill keep claiming I’m just fine

Destiny has an odd way of changing
Luck constantly rearranging
All the things that you hold dear
Fate has no guides or maps as its destination is unclear

This mysterious feeling deep inside
Something that I have done nothing but hide
Is suddenly out for the world to see
I had shown my soul to you so unexpectedly

Here we are, finally, shaking
That kiss that sends the earth quaking
Your eyes light my heart ablaze
Please, God, don’t let this emotion fade

I don’t know where we are headed
I’m not sure if it should be dreaded
I don’t know if we will even make it out alive
But I know that I’m glad you are by my side

This journey we will take; destination unclear
It surprises me things are not as they appear
How this will end, only time will reveal
Please never forget how this moment made you feel

Because even if we aren’t meant to be
I don’t want you to forget all you meant to me
I promise I won’t let you fade to the past
Even if this has no chance to last

So for now, at least, kiss your sorrow goodbye
Let your happiness consume you, teach you to fly
Tomorrow this will not be just a dream to fear,
But instead a new adventure; destination unclear

X-Mas

I want to have a great Christmas season this year. I am determined to do several things this year. One. See the Nutcracker. Two. Stay at a mountain resort for a weekend. Three. Try snow boarding. Four. Kiss under mistletoe. Five. Go to the Portland tree lighting ceremony.

Im sure I'll come up with a few other things as time goes on and Christmas draws nearer. But the part that I am particularly excited about is the mountain resort thing. I want to stay on Mt Hood and sit in a cozy room with hot cocoa and some nice jazz renditions of Christmas carols, looking out at the snow falling from the sky. Even just for 2 nights. This is just something I really want to do.

Christmas always envokes a very special feeling inside me. I feel nothing but love and happiness (as long as I dont let my job get me down as I sadly did last year.) I love the music, and the colors, and the twinkly lights. I love the cold air and the scarves and socks. I love the store displays and the smell of a fresh tree. I truely believe wonderful things can happen during Christmas time.

More on this later Im sure.

Huh. Well waddaya know about that!

Okay kids, you now can tell your friends and family that you're fat because its an infectious virus!

New discoveries leading us to believe that a cold virus is creating fat cells in children and that is infectious and may be a big reason that childhood obesity is so prevelant these days. And how!

http://news.discovery.com/human/virus-childhood-obesity.html

Could you imagine the day that will come when you can get an obesity-vaccine? Okay Im clearly kidding there.... as they DO admit that this theory isn't perfect and that it's too new to really have all the facts. Plus they are NOT discounting those children/people who are just simply sedentary and eat poorly. But still. I think it's pretty interesting... entertaining....

Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe....

"It goes like this the fourth the fifth..."

Im sitting in my room drinking wine listening to this beautiful song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v22NMAG1k18

And I am smiling. Every day I have gotten stronger and stronger and I have finally let go. I have let go all of my old hopes and desires and let go of all of my old pains and fears. I have let go of people who did me no good and the best feeling of all? Letting go of my reserves. Just sitting back and feeling so comfortable and safe that I have no reserves at all. The pessimistic side of me is a bit aprehensive of this part. But somehow deep down I am learning how to let that part go. To embrace all that is good and whole and wonderful. To let things happen in their own natural time and place. And good things are coming to me because of this. People can be bitter and lonely all they want. They can resent me and spread rumors and lies. But I know that at the end of the day, there is someone out there that cares. It is a "judge-free zone" as I have been told. And you know what? I believe it. I totally and completely believe it.

It's incredible to me what happened when I finally gave up and surrendered to nature. Let life lead me where it will. Do not mistake me, I am not merely along for the ride now. But I understand there is more to life than control. Beautiful things happened when I relinquished control.

I will not fear what I believe to be ahead of me. I will open my arms and bask in it. I will allow things to happen how they will. Let the chips fall where they may. I am being myself and something magical is coming to me that I wont even try to explain. But let it be said that I fully anticipate you all seeing this happy side of me stick around for a bit. And if you want someone to thank, thank fate. Thank my exes for showing me what I don't want to be. And thank a special someone for showing me the light in an otherwise darkened time.

And while we're at it, thank yourselves. Those of you who have been with me through thick and thin truely deserve a kind of praise that I cannot offer you. These last few months have been one of the roughest patches I have seen (Becca and Brittany you espcially know what I will be referencing here.) And your support is the only reason I really got through any of it. I love you all like family.

Stop trying to harsh my mellow

Honestly it amazes me. The human brain can do so many things; wonderful things even. They keep us alive and moving and breathing and processing. So why is it so many people choose to use it to their own demise? Why, for example, would a person convince themselves of things just to make coping easier? Defense mechanisms sure... but really. Lying to yourself is just... well... if you don't tell yourself the truth how can you ever expect anyone else to? Ever trust anyone else to?

On a similar note, when did every man on the planet suddenly become psychic? I mean really. It's just silly. Next thing you know they'll all be pouring over what they think is going to happen or want to believe did happen, instead of.... I don't know... living.

I never claimed to be perfect. But I did always tell the truth. You got yourself into this mess on your own and I will not help you to feel better about it, nor will I let you make me feel poorly because of it. I wont take back anything that's been said, or forget and block out any memories that are left. Because there's no need. Things were good. Great even. Just not what I needed. And do I need to be punished for that? I really really don't think so.

I have a life worth living. A great little man named Alex and my best friend and sister Brittany who both get me through each day with atleast a hint of happiness. I have a wonderful family and people who care about me. I work hard at my job which is more than most people can say and truely mean. So pardon me for trying to look on the bright side, but jealousy of someone else's happiness will not bring you your own.

Who knows what time will bring? Probably encounters with more psychic men who think they know everything (but don't). But also probably encounters with some really amazing ones. Definately laughter with friends and new memories that I will cherish. So why should I be down? Why are you trying to force me down?

Because buddy, I am high on life right now.

Stop trying to harsh my mellow.

Something ends, something begins

Another day passes and things are in rotation. Constantly moving and changing, growing and altering. It is a scary thought to think how something that is here now is so easily removed. I broke up with my boyfriend last night. And I really will miss him. He was a wonderful boyfriend and is a great person, and will continue to be one of my closest friends.

Meanwhile, I am starting a new chapter in my life. With my promotion, among other things. I feel like this could be a turning point for me. One of those many imfamous moments I will look back on and say "that is where it all changed." Atleast, I like to think that is how it will go.

I was never a morning person. But when I woke up this morning an hour and a half ealier than I would on any normal day, and saw the text I saw, I was wide awake, alert, and happy as can be. Will this feeling last? Who knows. But I sure as hell am going to ride it out as long as I possibly can.

I am excited for the weather to be changing. The air is become crisper each morning. I wait all year to see the couple of weeks of reds, oranges, and yellows. This year I will be taking a hike and someone very special will be accompanying me. This is something I look forward to in a way that most probably wouldnt understand.

Music is a way of breathing to me. Its a way to let my hopes soar and helps me feel low when I need it. But the thing you have to remember is, "feel low, now let it go." It's okay to feel sad. You just can't hold on to that feeling or it will haunt you and take over your sunshine.

I am hoping to get my own place soon, if I can afford it. I think it's something I really need to do. Keep your fingers crossed for me.