Thursday, December 30, 2010
Suffocation
When do I get to finally claim control over my own life? When do I get to stop reporting to fucking everyone else about my own life? I literally can't do anything without prior permission from someone else. I can't stand it anymore. It hurts. I am turning 24 in 2 weeks and have no life of my own. I have accomplished nothing. I have gone nowhere. And even my pride is being taken away. I am basically still a teenager. Reporting to someone constantly. I am on the edge of a monumental breakdown.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Salsa, Etc.
I am ADDICTED to chips and salsa. (Guacamole is my favorite but let's face it... most of the year is not avocado season and it just isn't the same.)
I mean, yeah. I want to tour France and go wine tasting, go try pastas in Italy, but I'll tell you what. I wish I could take a salsa tour. Liquidy salsas, pico de gallo, all of it. With various recipes of tortilla chips. Mmmmmm mmmmm! My dad makes the best pico de gallo out there, only to be rivaled by a brand or two to be found at QFC and Trader Joes. But they still don't even tie. And as far as canned salsas go, I just cannot find out that is that amazing. I love them, sure. I am eating one now. I have tried mango salsa, regular salsa, hot salsa, green salsa, and "tropical salsa" (a combination of pineapple, oranges, cilantro, jalapenos, and other ingredients that I can only describe as 'salsa heaven') and yet still I feel unsatisfied.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a salsa cook book, because I am tempted to embark on the wonderful world of salsas come spring time. Meanwhile, I recently talked to Michael about getting out my dessert cook books and making one a week/every other week (as I can afford to buy ingredients.) Which also makes me want to try different pasta dishes. So these are things I need. A fancy dessert cookbook (possibly could be found in my own book shelf,) a salsa cookbook (don't even know if it exists,) and a book of nothing but pasta.
Basically I suppose what this completely pointless blog is coming down to, is one simple fact. I have a true love in my life.
And that,
is food.
With love, as always. Nom nom nom.
I mean, yeah. I want to tour France and go wine tasting, go try pastas in Italy, but I'll tell you what. I wish I could take a salsa tour. Liquidy salsas, pico de gallo, all of it. With various recipes of tortilla chips. Mmmmmm mmmmm! My dad makes the best pico de gallo out there, only to be rivaled by a brand or two to be found at QFC and Trader Joes. But they still don't even tie. And as far as canned salsas go, I just cannot find out that is that amazing. I love them, sure. I am eating one now. I have tried mango salsa, regular salsa, hot salsa, green salsa, and "tropical salsa" (a combination of pineapple, oranges, cilantro, jalapenos, and other ingredients that I can only describe as 'salsa heaven') and yet still I feel unsatisfied.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a salsa cook book, because I am tempted to embark on the wonderful world of salsas come spring time. Meanwhile, I recently talked to Michael about getting out my dessert cook books and making one a week/every other week (as I can afford to buy ingredients.) Which also makes me want to try different pasta dishes. So these are things I need. A fancy dessert cookbook (possibly could be found in my own book shelf,) a salsa cookbook (don't even know if it exists,) and a book of nothing but pasta.
Basically I suppose what this completely pointless blog is coming down to, is one simple fact. I have a true love in my life.
And that,
is food.
With love, as always. Nom nom nom.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Rushing in the 20somethings.
Time. This is something that has been on my mind as of late. "Time" is a very loose term; one to be taken in multiple ways. Something I don't understand, is how to we know whether we are rushing things when we are in our 20s? Yes, I realize that our 20s is still quite young and that we have a long way to travel. However. In my childhood and teens I feel like "time" was so much longer. A simple two months to a 15 year old could mean only one thing: Summer Vacation. This measly two months was infinitely enough time to recharge and refresh so that the return to school in fall felt like waking up from a very peaceful and restful night's sleep. If you took one of us: college students, moms, dads, employees.... and gave us a two month vacation, I am almost dead certain each one of us would whine uncontrollably.... "Can't I have more time?" Now, I do also realize that the life of a 20something is far more difficult and trying than that of an adolescent. However, I really do believe that it is not all about the difficulty of life. I believe it is the speed in which time goes while you're in your 20s. Rather, the perception of time moving along in your 20s. There is a gray area we all hit, someplace between 18 and 21, that all of the sudden when we come back out the other side of the place we didn't even know we were, life is passing us by. Time is speeding us forward with no possible way to hit the brakes.
The standards in which you hold yourself in your adolescence are so much different than that of a 20something. But here's the problem I am having. How do you know when you have officially moved beyond the "time is simply moving faster" level, and gone right into the "I am pushing myself too hard" zone. A relationship for example. When you are a teenager and feeling that puppy love, it doesn't really become "serious" until about a year. Or at least that's how it went for my group of friends. (Okay sure, in the moment at age 15 you think you're "in love" within 2 minutes of meeting a cute guy... but let's face it... looking back on it now, the "serious relationships" are definitely those that lasted a year or so.) Nowadays though, someone exclusively dates their significant other for four months are it's considered "serious." Not that I am in disagreement with this idea. I go along with it as well. We all do, on some level. Your friends, my friends, everyone knows someone who got married to their partner within a year of meeting. That's right. I said "meeting." Not "dating." And what's great? Odds are, you have already pictured "that" couple in your mind. There is nothing wrong with this. That's just the 20something Time Warp. It's like relationships hit light speed once you hit about 22 years old. Younger for a select few. Again, not disagreeing: merely pointing out what most of us have already noticed. So what is "too soon?" When does saying "I love you" become forcing it? When is "popping the question" considered rushing things? I know, I know. "It all depends on the couple." But my question is, how the hell can you tell?
Careers. That's another one. Whether you're a full time student or a part-time employee at Dairy Queen. Doesn't matter. The dreaded "career" is constantly on our minds. Invading conversation, interrupting sleep, effecting decisions, and driving our motives and emotions. Each individual has an age in mind by which they were supposed to be "grown-up." You know, career, family, house, car, thousands of dollars of debt with a dog and white fence. Mine was 26. I am quickly approaching 24 and, I can tell you with certainty, I am so far off. Was setting an "age" even a good idea? Was I pushing things for myself back before I even realized that the perception of time would speed up with each passing year? I think perhaps I did. But now that the years have begun to simply speed by me, I feel ever more often the impulse to speed up my life within that light-speed time. What I mean to say is, since I can feel the quicker pace in which time is moving by me (or the other way around) I feel even more compelled to shorten the amount of time I take to do things. Job hunting for example. Bad economy or not, within a few months of job hunting I've practically given up. A lot of people have. Within a year of being out of school and trying to save the money to go back, I almost feel as if it will never happen. I am only 23 years old. Why am I constantly in such a rush to reach the end?
Life is basically already simply a way to consume time before "The End." And regardless of what you may believe in (Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, body rotting 6 feet under) the End is inevitable. It WILL come. So am I right in wanting to move things along? Is my desire to truly experience life's offerings really within reason? I stand firm behind the notion that I want to taste life before I can't anymore. Therefore, I think my perception of how quickly I am to do that is a bit.... skewed. However, I also believe something a bit contradictory. And that, is that I am not rushing at all. I just have such a passion and desire for the magnificent things life can offer that I am feeling contained by time. Restrained, even.
I don't know, 20somethings. You tell me. What is "too fast," "too soon," and "too much." Is there even such a thing?
Something to ponder.
With love.
The standards in which you hold yourself in your adolescence are so much different than that of a 20something. But here's the problem I am having. How do you know when you have officially moved beyond the "time is simply moving faster" level, and gone right into the "I am pushing myself too hard" zone. A relationship for example. When you are a teenager and feeling that puppy love, it doesn't really become "serious" until about a year. Or at least that's how it went for my group of friends. (Okay sure, in the moment at age 15 you think you're "in love" within 2 minutes of meeting a cute guy... but let's face it... looking back on it now, the "serious relationships" are definitely those that lasted a year or so.) Nowadays though, someone exclusively dates their significant other for four months are it's considered "serious." Not that I am in disagreement with this idea. I go along with it as well. We all do, on some level. Your friends, my friends, everyone knows someone who got married to their partner within a year of meeting. That's right. I said "meeting." Not "dating." And what's great? Odds are, you have already pictured "that" couple in your mind. There is nothing wrong with this. That's just the 20something Time Warp. It's like relationships hit light speed once you hit about 22 years old. Younger for a select few. Again, not disagreeing: merely pointing out what most of us have already noticed. So what is "too soon?" When does saying "I love you" become forcing it? When is "popping the question" considered rushing things? I know, I know. "It all depends on the couple." But my question is, how the hell can you tell?
Careers. That's another one. Whether you're a full time student or a part-time employee at Dairy Queen. Doesn't matter. The dreaded "career" is constantly on our minds. Invading conversation, interrupting sleep, effecting decisions, and driving our motives and emotions. Each individual has an age in mind by which they were supposed to be "grown-up." You know, career, family, house, car, thousands of dollars of debt with a dog and white fence. Mine was 26. I am quickly approaching 24 and, I can tell you with certainty, I am so far off. Was setting an "age" even a good idea? Was I pushing things for myself back before I even realized that the perception of time would speed up with each passing year? I think perhaps I did. But now that the years have begun to simply speed by me, I feel ever more often the impulse to speed up my life within that light-speed time. What I mean to say is, since I can feel the quicker pace in which time is moving by me (or the other way around) I feel even more compelled to shorten the amount of time I take to do things. Job hunting for example. Bad economy or not, within a few months of job hunting I've practically given up. A lot of people have. Within a year of being out of school and trying to save the money to go back, I almost feel as if it will never happen. I am only 23 years old. Why am I constantly in such a rush to reach the end?
Life is basically already simply a way to consume time before "The End." And regardless of what you may believe in (Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, body rotting 6 feet under) the End is inevitable. It WILL come. So am I right in wanting to move things along? Is my desire to truly experience life's offerings really within reason? I stand firm behind the notion that I want to taste life before I can't anymore. Therefore, I think my perception of how quickly I am to do that is a bit.... skewed. However, I also believe something a bit contradictory. And that, is that I am not rushing at all. I just have such a passion and desire for the magnificent things life can offer that I am feeling contained by time. Restrained, even.
I don't know, 20somethings. You tell me. What is "too fast," "too soon," and "too much." Is there even such a thing?
Something to ponder.
With love.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Getting It Out There
There are things weighing on my mind this evening so I felt compelled to get them out in to the world so that hopefully I can let them go for at least a little while.
This is an annonymous message to a few people who will remain unnamed.
1. I miss you more than I can form into words, and I just pray that you know that.
2. Our friendship went to hell. And I am better off without you in my life.
3. I love you. Plain and simple.
4. I am thankful that you have been, and always will be, in my life.
5. Sometimes I look back on our memories and feel a little meloncholy... but mostly, I am just happy to have gotten past it all. Past you, past that time in my life.
6. I have no respect for you, and that will not change.
7. You are like family to me, and although I disagree with some of your decisions, I truly wish you nothing but the best.
This is an annonymous message to a few people who will remain unnamed.
1. I miss you more than I can form into words, and I just pray that you know that.
2. Our friendship went to hell. And I am better off without you in my life.
3. I love you. Plain and simple.
4. I am thankful that you have been, and always will be, in my life.
5. Sometimes I look back on our memories and feel a little meloncholy... but mostly, I am just happy to have gotten past it all. Past you, past that time in my life.
6. I have no respect for you, and that will not change.
7. You are like family to me, and although I disagree with some of your decisions, I truly wish you nothing but the best.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Gone But Never Forgotten
Everyone leaves a footprint on other human beings. At some point in our lives, multiple points in our lives, we impact some one's life permanently. That random meeting of a person that forever alters the direction your life will go; the people you meet, the job you have, the way you spend your free time, and therefore, who you grow into in that moment. Every smile you give a stranger, every eye-contact you give an acquaintance, and every word that you send a friend will alter who they are. Regardless of how small the impact, believe me, it's there.
She may not have been a huge part of my life. But as the 6th anniversary of my God Sister's death quickly approaches, I am reminded of how much the little interaction we had impacted me. She truly did effect me. This little note is just to solidify to myself that she is still in my thoughts. She took herself out of this world, but in my heart she will live on vicariously through my experiences. I think that even though I have some serious work to do on my life, she would be rather proud of the woman I am slowly becoming.
Take this into consideration. The next time you have the opportunity to hold open a door for someone, or smile at a stranger looking your direction, take it. Talk to your loved ones. Express how you feel. Because you will impact their existence in such a way that I cannot even describe to you. On a similar note, when a serendipitous encounter occurs, take hold of the reigns and ride it out! Trust me when I tell you: it will pay off.
Just ask my boyfriend.
With love,
Always.
She may not have been a huge part of my life. But as the 6th anniversary of my God Sister's death quickly approaches, I am reminded of how much the little interaction we had impacted me. She truly did effect me. This little note is just to solidify to myself that she is still in my thoughts. She took herself out of this world, but in my heart she will live on vicariously through my experiences. I think that even though I have some serious work to do on my life, she would be rather proud of the woman I am slowly becoming.
Take this into consideration. The next time you have the opportunity to hold open a door for someone, or smile at a stranger looking your direction, take it. Talk to your loved ones. Express how you feel. Because you will impact their existence in such a way that I cannot even describe to you. On a similar note, when a serendipitous encounter occurs, take hold of the reigns and ride it out! Trust me when I tell you: it will pay off.
Just ask my boyfriend.
With love,
Always.
Hmmm
Uggg....
Paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to get some sleep before I start obsessing unnecessarily.
Paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to get some sleep before I start obsessing unnecessarily.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Ruin is a Gift
Just a couple of things to talk about on my mind.
One: The words "uh-oh" or "oops" in a hair salon. When a woman walks in to a hair salon, the last thing in any language she wants to hear is either "uh-oh" or "oops." At work, no biggie. In the kitchen at home, no biggie. Art project, no biggie. You're getting the idea. But I'll tell you what, you get the row of mirrors with a woman in front of each; either with scissors currently being held up with hair in them, or head full of foil. Then you place a hairdresser somewhere in the midst and have them say "oops," and every single back is going to straighten and all eyes will widen. On a similar note, I still can't get used to my hair. In fact, when I saw a picture of my boyfriend and I together with this hair, I was saddened. Everyone else loves it. I sadly, do not. I hope that adding more blonde to it will help me like it more.
Two: I currently have two musical instruments in my room, and can I just say: Music, I have missed you. And I am so glad to have you re-entering my life.
Three: There are so many things I want to commit to, without any idea how to do it. Take time on my yoga mat every day. Play music in free time instead of just stuffing my face. Save money- stop going out for lunch when I have soup in my kitchen. Quit smoking. Sometime, hopefully soon, I will find the will power to do all of these things.
Four: Seriously anyone who has not yet read Eat Pray Love needs to get on it. I realize that not everyone will have the same reaction to it that I did. As basically the book is becoming much like a bible to me, and now that I own the movie, it literally speaks to my soul. But in all seriousness, it gives some magnificent new views. How to really enjoy life. How to let go and cry. How to love yourself. To be free of guilt and pain. Here's a quote from it for you to sit on.
"I realized that maybe my own life hasnt been so chaotic. It's just the world that is, and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
Five: Every day I open myself up to love more and more. And you know what? I really believe that it is making a difference in the quality of my life. And it will pay off. Everything that is meant to happen will.
And that is where I leave off tonight.
Goodnight.
With love.
One: The words "uh-oh" or "oops" in a hair salon. When a woman walks in to a hair salon, the last thing in any language she wants to hear is either "uh-oh" or "oops." At work, no biggie. In the kitchen at home, no biggie. Art project, no biggie. You're getting the idea. But I'll tell you what, you get the row of mirrors with a woman in front of each; either with scissors currently being held up with hair in them, or head full of foil. Then you place a hairdresser somewhere in the midst and have them say "oops," and every single back is going to straighten and all eyes will widen. On a similar note, I still can't get used to my hair. In fact, when I saw a picture of my boyfriend and I together with this hair, I was saddened. Everyone else loves it. I sadly, do not. I hope that adding more blonde to it will help me like it more.
Two: I currently have two musical instruments in my room, and can I just say: Music, I have missed you. And I am so glad to have you re-entering my life.
Three: There are so many things I want to commit to, without any idea how to do it. Take time on my yoga mat every day. Play music in free time instead of just stuffing my face. Save money- stop going out for lunch when I have soup in my kitchen. Quit smoking. Sometime, hopefully soon, I will find the will power to do all of these things.
Four: Seriously anyone who has not yet read Eat Pray Love needs to get on it. I realize that not everyone will have the same reaction to it that I did. As basically the book is becoming much like a bible to me, and now that I own the movie, it literally speaks to my soul. But in all seriousness, it gives some magnificent new views. How to really enjoy life. How to let go and cry. How to love yourself. To be free of guilt and pain. Here's a quote from it for you to sit on.
"I realized that maybe my own life hasnt been so chaotic. It's just the world that is, and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
Five: Every day I open myself up to love more and more. And you know what? I really believe that it is making a difference in the quality of my life. And it will pay off. Everything that is meant to happen will.
And that is where I leave off tonight.
Goodnight.
With love.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wrapping Up 2010
As I move through my life day to day I slowly am putting myself together. Setting up who I am going to be for the rest of my life. Solidifying friends, moving forward with a career (or at least trying to,) learning what makes me angry and what I am capable of letting go... If someone were to tell me a year ago what a huge life-changing and experience-filled year this would have been I would have told them they were crazy. I loved and lost, mourned and laughed, got a new car and had to fix it up, I started learning a new musical instrument, playing games, and accomplishing things on my life list. I have spent days in bed crying, and time outdoors taking pictures, and I have become so comfortable in my own skin that I finally can look myself in the mirror without wincing and wishing I was looking at someone else.
As this year is coming to a close, I can think back and be nothing but grateful for everything life has taught me and given me this year. I believe it was all the direction I needed to go. (Minor annoyances forgiven.)
I can only imagine what the next year will bring me, but I already have a few resolutions that I will be working on. (And have gotten a jump start on.)
With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I would like to express some things I am thankful for. However, this is only a few.
Brittany- You and I always have our times that we do not spend time together and don't really speak to one another, and I am so thankful that even after those silences we can go back to being sisters as always without even missing a beat. I carry you in my heart every day.
Alex- You are a beautiful little boy and even though I do not spend nearly as much time with you as I should, I love you more than anything out there and would do anything to see you laugh.
Mom and Dad- Even though you wont see this, your love and support this year has truly
overwhelmed me.
Aunt Sandra and Uncle Earl- Likewise, you will not see this. But the vacation from my life you allowed me to take, and the new perspective you put on things allowed me to come back to the real world and face my problems head on. And kick the shit out of them :)
Michael- You are quickly becoming one of my best friends, and the connection we have (psychic abilities included) is magical and amazing and I am just glad to have had you around. I am thankful to get to close out this year with you, and begin a new one with you at my side.
Mother nature- You gave us a pretty messed up year, but this autumn has been a beautiful and happy one, and I hope that you bring us snow like all the weather people seem to believe you will.
The book Eat Pray Love- This book made me take a step back and observe my life in a new light. I restarted a few things about myself because of this book, and I will continue to go back to it when times get tough. If I could hug the author right now, I would.
Seth- I am so glad that you and I have reconnected, and I feel a bond with you that I know will result in a life-long friendship. Thanks for being there when I need you, and I hope you know that I will be there for you as well.
That is all for now, perhaps when I get back in to the typing mood later I will resume this thanking list. In the mean time, Adios.
With love, as always.
As this year is coming to a close, I can think back and be nothing but grateful for everything life has taught me and given me this year. I believe it was all the direction I needed to go. (Minor annoyances forgiven.)
I can only imagine what the next year will bring me, but I already have a few resolutions that I will be working on. (And have gotten a jump start on.)
With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I would like to express some things I am thankful for. However, this is only a few.
Brittany- You and I always have our times that we do not spend time together and don't really speak to one another, and I am so thankful that even after those silences we can go back to being sisters as always without even missing a beat. I carry you in my heart every day.
Alex- You are a beautiful little boy and even though I do not spend nearly as much time with you as I should, I love you more than anything out there and would do anything to see you laugh.
Mom and Dad- Even though you wont see this, your love and support this year has truly
overwhelmed me.
Aunt Sandra and Uncle Earl- Likewise, you will not see this. But the vacation from my life you allowed me to take, and the new perspective you put on things allowed me to come back to the real world and face my problems head on. And kick the shit out of them :)
Michael- You are quickly becoming one of my best friends, and the connection we have (psychic abilities included) is magical and amazing and I am just glad to have had you around. I am thankful to get to close out this year with you, and begin a new one with you at my side.
Mother nature- You gave us a pretty messed up year, but this autumn has been a beautiful and happy one, and I hope that you bring us snow like all the weather people seem to believe you will.
The book Eat Pray Love- This book made me take a step back and observe my life in a new light. I restarted a few things about myself because of this book, and I will continue to go back to it when times get tough. If I could hug the author right now, I would.
Seth- I am so glad that you and I have reconnected, and I feel a bond with you that I know will result in a life-long friendship. Thanks for being there when I need you, and I hope you know that I will be there for you as well.
That is all for now, perhaps when I get back in to the typing mood later I will resume this thanking list. In the mean time, Adios.
With love, as always.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
All about me.
These had been mini-posts on my facebook, and I decided to consolodate them in to this post. Originally, it was these mini-posts that were why it was suggested to me to write a blog. So they should get saved, I think. Plus its a little added insight into me, for those of you who don't already know these things. Also, just to mention, these are all old, so anything talking about the "now" or a recent time ("in the last hour" for example) was actually back in July and August when it was written.
i used to build cardboard box castles and wish i still could. i am hotheaded. i want to study archaeology & astronomy. i like to wear dresses, but live in chuck taylors. i wish i was born in a different era- i love swing music and the 40s style too much to be stuck in this generation forever. i eat like shit & ...love every calorie of it. & finally, i have a lawn gnome named harlan- he takes adventures with me.
I want a mini giraffe. I love thai food. I love having my room cold and snuggling under the covers. My car's name is Lola, and she is named after the sticker I put on the back of her- which I named myself. I hate Robot Chicken. My dog will eat plastic bags to get to crumbs. I have chronic migranes and hate... when people say they "have a migrane" when its an effing headache. Piss off.
i can tie a knot with one hand, without using a thumb. i have learned well that your whole life can turn around in 1 week. i hate hiccups. i have sock monkey slippers and sheets. i want to travel so bad it hurts. im a pack rat. i am longing for something. the idea of being proposed to makes ...me smile. and i love socks way too much- if you ever dont know what to buy me, resort to socks.
i have a current obsession with Rosi Golan. i have had the urge to cry for the last hour. my tummy is all butterflies. someday i want to drive route 66. all i want is to be loved. i love tshirts, and clearly that wont be changing any time soon. i miss my cat rylie like crazy. i love bestest fernd brittany to ...the 100th power. i hate math. i have always wished i had dimples. i am thankful for my freckles
i want to someday see a real ballet. i love how someone became one of my best friends so quickly. i want more tattoos, because 8 is not enough. i love being kissed on my forehead and eyes, and i love when the hair is pushed from my eyes. when i feel love, i physical...ly feel it in my heart. and thats not a lie. its a wonderful feeling. i love roller coasters.
i miss someone ive never even met (didnt know that was possible). i am watching the 3rd season of friends for the 1000th time, it still hasnt gotten old. i miss school like crazy. im craving oreos- im a dipper. i love my camera collection. i have money from over 30 countries. i have a bucket list that i ...actively work on, and have for 3 years now. and eat love pray is changing my life.
i dont like the godfather and have only seen half of the first one. i want someone to buy my daisies. i need a girls night asap. i like popping my gum and popping my back. i love to sneeze. i hate the color mauve. and i dont like hashbrowns, or eddie murphy. or carlos mencia for that matter.
i used to build cardboard box castles and wish i still could. i am hotheaded. i want to study archaeology & astronomy. i like to wear dresses, but live in chuck taylors. i wish i was born in a different era- i love swing music and the 40s style too much to be stuck in this generation forever. i eat like shit & ...love every calorie of it. & finally, i have a lawn gnome named harlan- he takes adventures with me.
I want a mini giraffe. I love thai food. I love having my room cold and snuggling under the covers. My car's name is Lola, and she is named after the sticker I put on the back of her- which I named myself. I hate Robot Chicken. My dog will eat plastic bags to get to crumbs. I have chronic migranes and hate... when people say they "have a migrane" when its an effing headache. Piss off.
i can tie a knot with one hand, without using a thumb. i have learned well that your whole life can turn around in 1 week. i hate hiccups. i have sock monkey slippers and sheets. i want to travel so bad it hurts. im a pack rat. i am longing for something. the idea of being proposed to makes ...me smile. and i love socks way too much- if you ever dont know what to buy me, resort to socks.
i have a current obsession with Rosi Golan. i have had the urge to cry for the last hour. my tummy is all butterflies. someday i want to drive route 66. all i want is to be loved. i love tshirts, and clearly that wont be changing any time soon. i miss my cat rylie like crazy. i love bestest fernd brittany to ...the 100th power. i hate math. i have always wished i had dimples. i am thankful for my freckles
i want to someday see a real ballet. i love how someone became one of my best friends so quickly. i want more tattoos, because 8 is not enough. i love being kissed on my forehead and eyes, and i love when the hair is pushed from my eyes. when i feel love, i physical...ly feel it in my heart. and thats not a lie. its a wonderful feeling. i love roller coasters.
i miss someone ive never even met (didnt know that was possible). i am watching the 3rd season of friends for the 1000th time, it still hasnt gotten old. i miss school like crazy. im craving oreos- im a dipper. i love my camera collection. i have money from over 30 countries. i have a bucket list that i ...actively work on, and have for 3 years now. and eat love pray is changing my life.
i dont like the godfather and have only seen half of the first one. i want someone to buy my daisies. i need a girls night asap. i like popping my gum and popping my back. i love to sneeze. i hate the color mauve. and i dont like hashbrowns, or eddie murphy. or carlos mencia for that matter.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Lightening and Speeches.
This sort of evolved into to something I hadnt anticipated, and may change into something different entirely. But hey. Here it is for now. Hope you enjoy.
With love.
Lightening and Speeches
11-5-10
If I could tell you in words
how my heart lights up
when you look in my direction
With that sly little wink
you send across the room
to iterate your attraction
I would get lost in speech
for days and days
not knowin where to stop and inhale
And even then
I doubt you'd conceive
what my speech would be trying to reveal
If I could show you in light
the way that it feels
when my soul ignites to your touch
Lightening would become rain
pouring from the clouds
but alas, that wouldnt be enough
Sadly though I must admit
there's no way
to properly express my emotions
Other than these typed attempts
which in the end
are nothing more than a token
All I can say
is do not take for granted
what I have to give
For if you stick around
I can promise this
you will feel what it's like to live.
With love.
Lightening and Speeches
11-5-10
If I could tell you in words
how my heart lights up
when you look in my direction
With that sly little wink
you send across the room
to iterate your attraction
I would get lost in speech
for days and days
not knowin where to stop and inhale
And even then
I doubt you'd conceive
what my speech would be trying to reveal
If I could show you in light
the way that it feels
when my soul ignites to your touch
Lightening would become rain
pouring from the clouds
but alas, that wouldnt be enough
Sadly though I must admit
there's no way
to properly express my emotions
Other than these typed attempts
which in the end
are nothing more than a token
All I can say
is do not take for granted
what I have to give
For if you stick around
I can promise this
you will feel what it's like to live.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Deep sigh of relief
So for a couple of days now I have been feeling some fairly serious anxiety. I am prepping emotionally and mentally for something that I dont yet know is going to happen. I say this with a fair amount of certainty, as whenever I experience this unsettling sensation it is inevitable that something is coming.
I just keep hoping and praying that it is not going to be me directly on the chopping block. I would like to believe that I have paid my dues for 2010 and that my holding my breath and the feeling of instant cement having been inserted into my stomach is on someone else's behalf. I dislike sounding so... selfish. But I cannot help that at this point. I don't want things to get all fouled up for me.
So here is my plea into cyber space, please please please let me wake in the morning and be able to breathe a deep sigh of relief, having realized that nothing bad is coming- there is no impending doom.
However, if it happens to be an alien takeover or zombie invasion please note: I have a flight to catch immediately after I hear the news, so say your goodbyes promptly.
Goodnight cyberspace.
With love.
I just keep hoping and praying that it is not going to be me directly on the chopping block. I would like to believe that I have paid my dues for 2010 and that my holding my breath and the feeling of instant cement having been inserted into my stomach is on someone else's behalf. I dislike sounding so... selfish. But I cannot help that at this point. I don't want things to get all fouled up for me.
So here is my plea into cyber space, please please please let me wake in the morning and be able to breathe a deep sigh of relief, having realized that nothing bad is coming- there is no impending doom.
However, if it happens to be an alien takeover or zombie invasion please note: I have a flight to catch immediately after I hear the news, so say your goodbyes promptly.
Goodnight cyberspace.
With love.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Run away
Some days I wish I could run away. I would pack up anything my little Lola could hold and I would take off. I would live off of the money I have left and I would go live. I would experience something. I would learn a new song on guitar while sitting on the hood of my car watching the sunrise in the painted desert. I would take pictures of the waves breaking at dusk on the west coast. I would meet new friends in a little bar heading east. I would see things like the tap dancing chicken or the worlds biggest rubber band ball. I would buy fresh flowers just to sit in my passenger seat for a day or 2 until they wilted. I would set up camp in a beauitful forest and would go exploring in caves in Montana. I would taste snowflakes on my tongue and make funny shapes with the steam of my breath in the cold.
Life has grown to be rather plain. Sure, I have wonderful times with friends and family and boyfriend, but life itself, in the big picture, has settled into a groove. A rut. I want to experience life. Something outside of this place. I am thinking that I will save up all of my vacation time at work, and either upon quitting my job or just one big vacation in off-season, I am going to pack up and head out for as long as I can make those vacation hours carry me through without starving or running out of gas. I might invite someone to tag along on this adventure, as that would be the safe thing to do. But who knows where I'll be when I finally go.
Life has grown to be rather plain. Sure, I have wonderful times with friends and family and boyfriend, but life itself, in the big picture, has settled into a groove. A rut. I want to experience life. Something outside of this place. I am thinking that I will save up all of my vacation time at work, and either upon quitting my job or just one big vacation in off-season, I am going to pack up and head out for as long as I can make those vacation hours carry me through without starving or running out of gas. I might invite someone to tag along on this adventure, as that would be the safe thing to do. But who knows where I'll be when I finally go.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Cant even explain
Pretty much ready to blow up, and I need to vent so badly! But the problem is that I cant turn to anyone to talk to them about it, and I cant put anything online because it directly has to do with people who will see anything I put online. In all seriousness though I am so heated and upset and I don't even know to handle it. I am currently trying to just drink my coffee and enjoy my song of the day and remember that nothing anyone else does or says matters. Because I am happy. Damn happy. And you if you truely don't want that for me, then maybe I will be reconsidering our friendship. You are selfish and a liar and I see right through everything you have been doing and saying. It hurts me that you would act this way. But I am moving through the hurt and getting to just plain angry, and soon after that you and I will be done.
Put that in your back pocket and sit on it.
Put that in your back pocket and sit on it.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Burning Out
There are days like today when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. This phenomenon is not to be taken too seriously, though. I am just burning out. I'm burning out of my dead-end job, of living at home, of seeing the same exact EXACT people every single day (minus a couple of intentional ones.) Burning out of my car, my routine, my dead-end in learning new things, my choice of books to read. Burning out on the food I eat and the starbucks drink I drink (thank god gingerbread will be here soon....), the things I have to say each day, and how I cant rearrange my room. I am burning out on my clothes and smoking and the music I listen to. I need to mix it up and mix it up soon. However, it's all a means to an end. The dead-end job is helping me save up money to move out on my own and eventually have a newer car. And I am pretty certain that as soon as I move out things will be shaken up just enough to allow me to get out of this funk that I am in. But until then, I am constantly on the search for change. Picking up new books, making new hobbies, trying to get into the old ones that I had let slide by. I need to get motivated.
I say all of this but at the end of the day, depression takes over. I don't have the energy to kick-start my life, and when it really boils down to it? The desire to. It's easier to just stick with things how they are and always were. This all ties in to that whole risk-taking phobia of mine. If I move out and I dont make it, I let down my parents, my friends, my boyfriend... myself. And there's nothing I hate more than being a disappointment.
I am trying to stay positive. In truth I have been more positive in this last month than I had in probably the entire year prior. So I suppose that in a small way- a very small way- I am making progress. It just doesn't feel that way. I am still the same old me when I look in the mirror. When I really take everything into consideration the simple idea that I know I want change says something.
Thanks for listening to my rediculous pity party, and I am confident that it will wear off. I just need to keep plowing through the routine until it becomes bearable again.
Night all.
I say all of this but at the end of the day, depression takes over. I don't have the energy to kick-start my life, and when it really boils down to it? The desire to. It's easier to just stick with things how they are and always were. This all ties in to that whole risk-taking phobia of mine. If I move out and I dont make it, I let down my parents, my friends, my boyfriend... myself. And there's nothing I hate more than being a disappointment.
I am trying to stay positive. In truth I have been more positive in this last month than I had in probably the entire year prior. So I suppose that in a small way- a very small way- I am making progress. It just doesn't feel that way. I am still the same old me when I look in the mirror. When I really take everything into consideration the simple idea that I know I want change says something.
Thanks for listening to my rediculous pity party, and I am confident that it will wear off. I just need to keep plowing through the routine until it becomes bearable again.
Night all.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Destination Unclear
Taking risks is something that people fear, each one having their own reasoning. I fear taking risks because the idea of letting others down is horrifying to me. I weigh in factors about the outcome and possibilities, think about the people who may be counting on me in certain situations, and if the risk seems to too great I wont take it. I dont want to let people down. I am constantly in a state of wanting to please other people.
This last year has been a real trial for me. I have been working on learning how to break away from that, and how to concentrate on making myself happy first. Then others. Which is why things have been so hard lately. At my job I am being talked about behind my back and called a bad manager. I am "unapproachable." The only thing that has changed about me is my title. I still do the same job and treat the staff the same way. I dont know how to explain this occurance- people suddenly turning on me. But I am glad that we're getting a whole new staff. We can start fresh with people who actually are willing to work, and who actually respect management. I say all of this, trying to be practical and strong. But the bottom line is that it really bugs me. I dont like the idea of people saying these things about me. Because theyre not true. If anything, I am too easy on them and let them get away with too much.
On a similar note, there are people out there who are spreading lies about me any chance they get. I understand that having your ego cut down a peg can be excruciating. But really. This is just rediculous.
I have been in plenty of relationships where I am doing nothing but compromising. Compromising what I want, who I am, what I deserve. This is not to say that compromise isnt a good thing, because it is. But when I am the only one doing it, it isnt right. Michael on the other hand, although this relationship being incredibly new still, is so easy to get along with. By now I would have found atleast 10 things that bug me about him. I always do that. I pick apart the person I date. And yet, nothing. It's a good feeling.
So, now that I have droned on and on, what this all really boils down to is my desire to be happy. I am going to do anything in my power to do that. I will continue enjoying the wonderful relationship I am in. I will constantly try to leave work and work and not bring it home with me. I will save more money and be moving out by my birthday (this is my goal.) I will let go of "friends" who bad-mouth me and dont actually give a damn. I will make the effort to spend more time with the friends that truely care and wouldnt go behind my back. I dont know where this all will take me, as the destination is unclear. But I know that I am willing to get there. And thats a step in the right direction.
Have a good day everyone.
Found bits of an old poem, decided to post them as well, as they kind of tied in.
Destination Unclear
Can’t believe these things I’m feeling
Unsure of the things I’m reliving
Never again did I think id see this place
Yet somehow I can only picture your face
Thoughts like raindrops falling
Hear your voice out loud calling
Wondering if this is really right
Do I give up and flee or stand up and fight?
My tears are like liquid fire
The map I have long since expired
Lost in the forest I call my mind
On the outside ill keep claiming I’m just fine
Destiny has an odd way of changing
Luck constantly rearranging
All the things that you hold dear
Fate has no guides or maps as its destination is unclear
This mysterious feeling deep inside
Something that I have done nothing but hide
Is suddenly out for the world to see
I had shown my soul to you so unexpectedly
Here we are, finally, shaking
That kiss that sends the earth quaking
Your eyes light my heart ablaze
Please, God, don’t let this emotion fade
I don’t know where we are headed
I’m not sure if it should be dreaded
I don’t know if we will even make it out alive
But I know that I’m glad you are by my side
This journey we will take; destination unclear
It surprises me things are not as they appear
How this will end, only time will reveal
Please never forget how this moment made you feel
Because even if we aren’t meant to be
I don’t want you to forget all you meant to me
I promise I won’t let you fade to the past
Even if this has no chance to last
So for now, at least, kiss your sorrow goodbye
Let your happiness consume you, teach you to fly
Tomorrow this will not be just a dream to fear,
But instead a new adventure; destination unclear
This last year has been a real trial for me. I have been working on learning how to break away from that, and how to concentrate on making myself happy first. Then others. Which is why things have been so hard lately. At my job I am being talked about behind my back and called a bad manager. I am "unapproachable." The only thing that has changed about me is my title. I still do the same job and treat the staff the same way. I dont know how to explain this occurance- people suddenly turning on me. But I am glad that we're getting a whole new staff. We can start fresh with people who actually are willing to work, and who actually respect management. I say all of this, trying to be practical and strong. But the bottom line is that it really bugs me. I dont like the idea of people saying these things about me. Because theyre not true. If anything, I am too easy on them and let them get away with too much.
On a similar note, there are people out there who are spreading lies about me any chance they get. I understand that having your ego cut down a peg can be excruciating. But really. This is just rediculous.
I have been in plenty of relationships where I am doing nothing but compromising. Compromising what I want, who I am, what I deserve. This is not to say that compromise isnt a good thing, because it is. But when I am the only one doing it, it isnt right. Michael on the other hand, although this relationship being incredibly new still, is so easy to get along with. By now I would have found atleast 10 things that bug me about him. I always do that. I pick apart the person I date. And yet, nothing. It's a good feeling.
So, now that I have droned on and on, what this all really boils down to is my desire to be happy. I am going to do anything in my power to do that. I will continue enjoying the wonderful relationship I am in. I will constantly try to leave work and work and not bring it home with me. I will save more money and be moving out by my birthday (this is my goal.) I will let go of "friends" who bad-mouth me and dont actually give a damn. I will make the effort to spend more time with the friends that truely care and wouldnt go behind my back. I dont know where this all will take me, as the destination is unclear. But I know that I am willing to get there. And thats a step in the right direction.
Have a good day everyone.
Found bits of an old poem, decided to post them as well, as they kind of tied in.
Destination Unclear
Can’t believe these things I’m feeling
Unsure of the things I’m reliving
Never again did I think id see this place
Yet somehow I can only picture your face
Thoughts like raindrops falling
Hear your voice out loud calling
Wondering if this is really right
Do I give up and flee or stand up and fight?
My tears are like liquid fire
The map I have long since expired
Lost in the forest I call my mind
On the outside ill keep claiming I’m just fine
Destiny has an odd way of changing
Luck constantly rearranging
All the things that you hold dear
Fate has no guides or maps as its destination is unclear
This mysterious feeling deep inside
Something that I have done nothing but hide
Is suddenly out for the world to see
I had shown my soul to you so unexpectedly
Here we are, finally, shaking
That kiss that sends the earth quaking
Your eyes light my heart ablaze
Please, God, don’t let this emotion fade
I don’t know where we are headed
I’m not sure if it should be dreaded
I don’t know if we will even make it out alive
But I know that I’m glad you are by my side
This journey we will take; destination unclear
It surprises me things are not as they appear
How this will end, only time will reveal
Please never forget how this moment made you feel
Because even if we aren’t meant to be
I don’t want you to forget all you meant to me
I promise I won’t let you fade to the past
Even if this has no chance to last
So for now, at least, kiss your sorrow goodbye
Let your happiness consume you, teach you to fly
Tomorrow this will not be just a dream to fear,
But instead a new adventure; destination unclear
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
X-Mas
I want to have a great Christmas season this year. I am determined to do several things this year. One. See the Nutcracker. Two. Stay at a mountain resort for a weekend. Three. Try snow boarding. Four. Kiss under mistletoe. Five. Go to the Portland tree lighting ceremony.
Im sure I'll come up with a few other things as time goes on and Christmas draws nearer. But the part that I am particularly excited about is the mountain resort thing. I want to stay on Mt Hood and sit in a cozy room with hot cocoa and some nice jazz renditions of Christmas carols, looking out at the snow falling from the sky. Even just for 2 nights. This is just something I really want to do.
Christmas always envokes a very special feeling inside me. I feel nothing but love and happiness (as long as I dont let my job get me down as I sadly did last year.) I love the music, and the colors, and the twinkly lights. I love the cold air and the scarves and socks. I love the store displays and the smell of a fresh tree. I truely believe wonderful things can happen during Christmas time.
More on this later Im sure.
Im sure I'll come up with a few other things as time goes on and Christmas draws nearer. But the part that I am particularly excited about is the mountain resort thing. I want to stay on Mt Hood and sit in a cozy room with hot cocoa and some nice jazz renditions of Christmas carols, looking out at the snow falling from the sky. Even just for 2 nights. This is just something I really want to do.
Christmas always envokes a very special feeling inside me. I feel nothing but love and happiness (as long as I dont let my job get me down as I sadly did last year.) I love the music, and the colors, and the twinkly lights. I love the cold air and the scarves and socks. I love the store displays and the smell of a fresh tree. I truely believe wonderful things can happen during Christmas time.
More on this later Im sure.
Huh. Well waddaya know about that!
Okay kids, you now can tell your friends and family that you're fat because its an infectious virus!
New discoveries leading us to believe that a cold virus is creating fat cells in children and that is infectious and may be a big reason that childhood obesity is so prevelant these days. And how!
http://news.discovery.com/human/virus-childhood-obesity.html
Could you imagine the day that will come when you can get an obesity-vaccine? Okay Im clearly kidding there.... as they DO admit that this theory isn't perfect and that it's too new to really have all the facts. Plus they are NOT discounting those children/people who are just simply sedentary and eat poorly. But still. I think it's pretty interesting... entertaining....
Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe....
New discoveries leading us to believe that a cold virus is creating fat cells in children and that is infectious and may be a big reason that childhood obesity is so prevelant these days. And how!
http://news.discovery.com/human/virus-childhood-obesity.html
Could you imagine the day that will come when you can get an obesity-vaccine? Okay Im clearly kidding there.... as they DO admit that this theory isn't perfect and that it's too new to really have all the facts. Plus they are NOT discounting those children/people who are just simply sedentary and eat poorly. But still. I think it's pretty interesting... entertaining....
Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe....
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"It goes like this the fourth the fifth..."
Im sitting in my room drinking wine listening to this beautiful song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v22NMAG1k18
And I am smiling. Every day I have gotten stronger and stronger and I have finally let go. I have let go all of my old hopes and desires and let go of all of my old pains and fears. I have let go of people who did me no good and the best feeling of all? Letting go of my reserves. Just sitting back and feeling so comfortable and safe that I have no reserves at all. The pessimistic side of me is a bit aprehensive of this part. But somehow deep down I am learning how to let that part go. To embrace all that is good and whole and wonderful. To let things happen in their own natural time and place. And good things are coming to me because of this. People can be bitter and lonely all they want. They can resent me and spread rumors and lies. But I know that at the end of the day, there is someone out there that cares. It is a "judge-free zone" as I have been told. And you know what? I believe it. I totally and completely believe it.
It's incredible to me what happened when I finally gave up and surrendered to nature. Let life lead me where it will. Do not mistake me, I am not merely along for the ride now. But I understand there is more to life than control. Beautiful things happened when I relinquished control.
I will not fear what I believe to be ahead of me. I will open my arms and bask in it. I will allow things to happen how they will. Let the chips fall where they may. I am being myself and something magical is coming to me that I wont even try to explain. But let it be said that I fully anticipate you all seeing this happy side of me stick around for a bit. And if you want someone to thank, thank fate. Thank my exes for showing me what I don't want to be. And thank a special someone for showing me the light in an otherwise darkened time.
And while we're at it, thank yourselves. Those of you who have been with me through thick and thin truely deserve a kind of praise that I cannot offer you. These last few months have been one of the roughest patches I have seen (Becca and Brittany you espcially know what I will be referencing here.) And your support is the only reason I really got through any of it. I love you all like family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v22NMAG1k18
And I am smiling. Every day I have gotten stronger and stronger and I have finally let go. I have let go all of my old hopes and desires and let go of all of my old pains and fears. I have let go of people who did me no good and the best feeling of all? Letting go of my reserves. Just sitting back and feeling so comfortable and safe that I have no reserves at all. The pessimistic side of me is a bit aprehensive of this part. But somehow deep down I am learning how to let that part go. To embrace all that is good and whole and wonderful. To let things happen in their own natural time and place. And good things are coming to me because of this. People can be bitter and lonely all they want. They can resent me and spread rumors and lies. But I know that at the end of the day, there is someone out there that cares. It is a "judge-free zone" as I have been told. And you know what? I believe it. I totally and completely believe it.
It's incredible to me what happened when I finally gave up and surrendered to nature. Let life lead me where it will. Do not mistake me, I am not merely along for the ride now. But I understand there is more to life than control. Beautiful things happened when I relinquished control.
I will not fear what I believe to be ahead of me. I will open my arms and bask in it. I will allow things to happen how they will. Let the chips fall where they may. I am being myself and something magical is coming to me that I wont even try to explain. But let it be said that I fully anticipate you all seeing this happy side of me stick around for a bit. And if you want someone to thank, thank fate. Thank my exes for showing me what I don't want to be. And thank a special someone for showing me the light in an otherwise darkened time.
And while we're at it, thank yourselves. Those of you who have been with me through thick and thin truely deserve a kind of praise that I cannot offer you. These last few months have been one of the roughest patches I have seen (Becca and Brittany you espcially know what I will be referencing here.) And your support is the only reason I really got through any of it. I love you all like family.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Stop trying to harsh my mellow
Honestly it amazes me. The human brain can do so many things; wonderful things even. They keep us alive and moving and breathing and processing. So why is it so many people choose to use it to their own demise? Why, for example, would a person convince themselves of things just to make coping easier? Defense mechanisms sure... but really. Lying to yourself is just... well... if you don't tell yourself the truth how can you ever expect anyone else to? Ever trust anyone else to?
On a similar note, when did every man on the planet suddenly become psychic? I mean really. It's just silly. Next thing you know they'll all be pouring over what they think is going to happen or want to believe did happen, instead of.... I don't know... living.
I never claimed to be perfect. But I did always tell the truth. You got yourself into this mess on your own and I will not help you to feel better about it, nor will I let you make me feel poorly because of it. I wont take back anything that's been said, or forget and block out any memories that are left. Because there's no need. Things were good. Great even. Just not what I needed. And do I need to be punished for that? I really really don't think so.
I have a life worth living. A great little man named Alex and my best friend and sister Brittany who both get me through each day with atleast a hint of happiness. I have a wonderful family and people who care about me. I work hard at my job which is more than most people can say and truely mean. So pardon me for trying to look on the bright side, but jealousy of someone else's happiness will not bring you your own.
Who knows what time will bring? Probably encounters with more psychic men who think they know everything (but don't). But also probably encounters with some really amazing ones. Definately laughter with friends and new memories that I will cherish. So why should I be down? Why are you trying to force me down?
Because buddy, I am high on life right now.
Stop trying to harsh my mellow.
On a similar note, when did every man on the planet suddenly become psychic? I mean really. It's just silly. Next thing you know they'll all be pouring over what they think is going to happen or want to believe did happen, instead of.... I don't know... living.
I never claimed to be perfect. But I did always tell the truth. You got yourself into this mess on your own and I will not help you to feel better about it, nor will I let you make me feel poorly because of it. I wont take back anything that's been said, or forget and block out any memories that are left. Because there's no need. Things were good. Great even. Just not what I needed. And do I need to be punished for that? I really really don't think so.
I have a life worth living. A great little man named Alex and my best friend and sister Brittany who both get me through each day with atleast a hint of happiness. I have a wonderful family and people who care about me. I work hard at my job which is more than most people can say and truely mean. So pardon me for trying to look on the bright side, but jealousy of someone else's happiness will not bring you your own.
Who knows what time will bring? Probably encounters with more psychic men who think they know everything (but don't). But also probably encounters with some really amazing ones. Definately laughter with friends and new memories that I will cherish. So why should I be down? Why are you trying to force me down?
Because buddy, I am high on life right now.
Stop trying to harsh my mellow.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Something ends, something begins
Another day passes and things are in rotation. Constantly moving and changing, growing and altering. It is a scary thought to think how something that is here now is so easily removed. I broke up with my boyfriend last night. And I really will miss him. He was a wonderful boyfriend and is a great person, and will continue to be one of my closest friends.
Meanwhile, I am starting a new chapter in my life. With my promotion, among other things. I feel like this could be a turning point for me. One of those many imfamous moments I will look back on and say "that is where it all changed." Atleast, I like to think that is how it will go.
I was never a morning person. But when I woke up this morning an hour and a half ealier than I would on any normal day, and saw the text I saw, I was wide awake, alert, and happy as can be. Will this feeling last? Who knows. But I sure as hell am going to ride it out as long as I possibly can.
I am excited for the weather to be changing. The air is become crisper each morning. I wait all year to see the couple of weeks of reds, oranges, and yellows. This year I will be taking a hike and someone very special will be accompanying me. This is something I look forward to in a way that most probably wouldnt understand.
Music is a way of breathing to me. Its a way to let my hopes soar and helps me feel low when I need it. But the thing you have to remember is, "feel low, now let it go." It's okay to feel sad. You just can't hold on to that feeling or it will haunt you and take over your sunshine.
I am hoping to get my own place soon, if I can afford it. I think it's something I really need to do. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Meanwhile, I am starting a new chapter in my life. With my promotion, among other things. I feel like this could be a turning point for me. One of those many imfamous moments I will look back on and say "that is where it all changed." Atleast, I like to think that is how it will go.
I was never a morning person. But when I woke up this morning an hour and a half ealier than I would on any normal day, and saw the text I saw, I was wide awake, alert, and happy as can be. Will this feeling last? Who knows. But I sure as hell am going to ride it out as long as I possibly can.
I am excited for the weather to be changing. The air is become crisper each morning. I wait all year to see the couple of weeks of reds, oranges, and yellows. This year I will be taking a hike and someone very special will be accompanying me. This is something I look forward to in a way that most probably wouldnt understand.
Music is a way of breathing to me. Its a way to let my hopes soar and helps me feel low when I need it. But the thing you have to remember is, "feel low, now let it go." It's okay to feel sad. You just can't hold on to that feeling or it will haunt you and take over your sunshine.
I am hoping to get my own place soon, if I can afford it. I think it's something I really need to do. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Too many guys think I'm a concept
"Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me. Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
This quote could not possibly make more sense to me. As is the one below this...
"Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me"
I am really not a great person. I can make someone feel like they are my world and that they are all that matters. I can make them feel like theyre on the top of the world. Until I dont feel like it anymore. Then I can pull the rug out from under them and move on while are still wondering what happened. I dont do this on purpose. It just sort of... happens.
I dont particularly LIKE being this kind of person. But I dont know how to turn it off. I, do, however, try to avoid being like that. I try not to get bored. I try not to play people. But you know what happens after your heart is broken one too many times? You start breaking others hearts. Again, not intentionally.
This is not some cry for help, or a warning to who I am currently seeing. This is just me, jotting down a thought I had when I remembered a favorite quote of mine. Dont take this and run with it, please. It wont do anyone any good.
This quote could not possibly make more sense to me. As is the one below this...
"Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me"
I am really not a great person. I can make someone feel like they are my world and that they are all that matters. I can make them feel like theyre on the top of the world. Until I dont feel like it anymore. Then I can pull the rug out from under them and move on while are still wondering what happened. I dont do this on purpose. It just sort of... happens.
I dont particularly LIKE being this kind of person. But I dont know how to turn it off. I, do, however, try to avoid being like that. I try not to get bored. I try not to play people. But you know what happens after your heart is broken one too many times? You start breaking others hearts. Again, not intentionally.
This is not some cry for help, or a warning to who I am currently seeing. This is just me, jotting down a thought I had when I remembered a favorite quote of mine. Dont take this and run with it, please. It wont do anyone any good.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Copy Paste
Just to add another blog, really get it started, I copy pasted a note I made on Facebook.
when i slow down and take a look at my life i am saddened. i cannot explain this phenominon, as technically i do realize that i am young and have plenty of time to get on track. but i just am not living up to what i could be... i am not going the directions i want. i have lost my drive and my will to strive for my dreams. somewhere along the way i gave up. i dont know when it was, or when exactly i realized it. but i did. i let myself go. every day is a new battle to try and find it again. "it" being the desire to do good. and i dont mean "do well." i mean do good. i want to help people. i want to make a child smile. i want to look back on these years and not regret a single thing. i want to reach for the stars, and grab them. i want to feel content with myself at the end of the night, and happiness from within every morning. i stopped going to counceling. not because i cant afford it, or because i dont need it anymore. but because it is easier not to go, than to go.
i am listening to this beautiful song being played by Jon Schmidt, a composer, called "Hymn of Nature." and i wonder to myself, when did i decide that music was unfulfilling? and i dont mean listening to it, as i still so actively do. but i mean writing it. playing it. living it. on my life list is to own a piano again, or atleast a nice keyboard. and i will.
most people look at me, and they cant see the sadness. the discomfort. the distaste for my own life. but its there. bubbling under the surface, threatening to ruin everything i wish i could have. i dont totally know why i am admitting this in public in this manner. clear my conscience? maybe. get attention? not really, no. i think its really just that... if i put it out there, into the cosmic void, i take ownership and responsibility for these feelings. i take back control.
i have given up on hobbies. i stopped doing everything i love to do, and for what? i dont even remember. i expect more from myself. i want more for myself. i guess im really just trying to find my way back to me.
one day at a time, right?
when i slow down and take a look at my life i am saddened. i cannot explain this phenominon, as technically i do realize that i am young and have plenty of time to get on track. but i just am not living up to what i could be... i am not going the directions i want. i have lost my drive and my will to strive for my dreams. somewhere along the way i gave up. i dont know when it was, or when exactly i realized it. but i did. i let myself go. every day is a new battle to try and find it again. "it" being the desire to do good. and i dont mean "do well." i mean do good. i want to help people. i want to make a child smile. i want to look back on these years and not regret a single thing. i want to reach for the stars, and grab them. i want to feel content with myself at the end of the night, and happiness from within every morning. i stopped going to counceling. not because i cant afford it, or because i dont need it anymore. but because it is easier not to go, than to go.
i am listening to this beautiful song being played by Jon Schmidt, a composer, called "Hymn of Nature." and i wonder to myself, when did i decide that music was unfulfilling? and i dont mean listening to it, as i still so actively do. but i mean writing it. playing it. living it. on my life list is to own a piano again, or atleast a nice keyboard. and i will.
most people look at me, and they cant see the sadness. the discomfort. the distaste for my own life. but its there. bubbling under the surface, threatening to ruin everything i wish i could have. i dont totally know why i am admitting this in public in this manner. clear my conscience? maybe. get attention? not really, no. i think its really just that... if i put it out there, into the cosmic void, i take ownership and responsibility for these feelings. i take back control.
i have given up on hobbies. i stopped doing everything i love to do, and for what? i dont even remember. i expect more from myself. i want more for myself. i guess im really just trying to find my way back to me.
one day at a time, right?
Me, Me, and more Me.
Recently I have been asked by several to people to start blogging, so here I am. Even though I will really only end up with approximately 2 followers, I'll give this a shot.
A little about me I guess is a good place to begin.
My heart was shattered this year, and no. I have not totally recovered yet. I fear spiders almost more than anything, but if it were spiders or death, I would choose spiders. This should show you how afraid of death I am. I officially hate organized religion. This is subject to change. Sometimes I intentionally don't eat. I have green sea glass in my room for a reason. This reason I may never tell a soul... minus the one who already knows. I have a teddy bear named Kaden which means more to me than any of you could understand. I carry sadness with me everywhere I go, Even behind my smile. I have a great boyfriend who treats me like a goddess. I crave learning. I actually really enjoy listening to instrumental music-primarily piano, though.
A little about me I guess is a good place to begin.
My heart was shattered this year, and no. I have not totally recovered yet. I fear spiders almost more than anything, but if it were spiders or death, I would choose spiders. This should show you how afraid of death I am. I officially hate organized religion. This is subject to change. Sometimes I intentionally don't eat. I have green sea glass in my room for a reason. This reason I may never tell a soul... minus the one who already knows. I have a teddy bear named Kaden which means more to me than any of you could understand. I carry sadness with me everywhere I go, Even behind my smile. I have a great boyfriend who treats me like a goddess. I crave learning. I actually really enjoy listening to instrumental music-primarily piano, though.
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