Taking risks is something that people fear, each one having their own reasoning. I fear taking risks because the idea of letting others down is horrifying to me. I weigh in factors about the outcome and possibilities, think about the people who may be counting on me in certain situations, and if the risk seems to too great I wont take it. I dont want to let people down. I am constantly in a state of wanting to please other people.
This last year has been a real trial for me. I have been working on learning how to break away from that, and how to concentrate on making myself happy first. Then others. Which is why things have been so hard lately. At my job I am being talked about behind my back and called a bad manager. I am "unapproachable." The only thing that has changed about me is my title. I still do the same job and treat the staff the same way. I dont know how to explain this occurance- people suddenly turning on me. But I am glad that we're getting a whole new staff. We can start fresh with people who actually are willing to work, and who actually respect management. I say all of this, trying to be practical and strong. But the bottom line is that it really bugs me. I dont like the idea of people saying these things about me. Because theyre not true. If anything, I am too easy on them and let them get away with too much.
On a similar note, there are people out there who are spreading lies about me any chance they get. I understand that having your ego cut down a peg can be excruciating. But really. This is just rediculous.
I have been in plenty of relationships where I am doing nothing but compromising. Compromising what I want, who I am, what I deserve. This is not to say that compromise isnt a good thing, because it is. But when I am the only one doing it, it isnt right. Michael on the other hand, although this relationship being incredibly new still, is so easy to get along with. By now I would have found atleast 10 things that bug me about him. I always do that. I pick apart the person I date. And yet, nothing. It's a good feeling.
So, now that I have droned on and on, what this all really boils down to is my desire to be happy. I am going to do anything in my power to do that. I will continue enjoying the wonderful relationship I am in. I will constantly try to leave work and work and not bring it home with me. I will save more money and be moving out by my birthday (this is my goal.) I will let go of "friends" who bad-mouth me and dont actually give a damn. I will make the effort to spend more time with the friends that truely care and wouldnt go behind my back. I dont know where this all will take me, as the destination is unclear. But I know that I am willing to get there. And thats a step in the right direction.
Have a good day everyone.
Found bits of an old poem, decided to post them as well, as they kind of tied in.
Destination Unclear
Can’t believe these things I’m feeling
Unsure of the things I’m reliving
Never again did I think id see this place
Yet somehow I can only picture your face
Thoughts like raindrops falling
Hear your voice out loud calling
Wondering if this is really right
Do I give up and flee or stand up and fight?
My tears are like liquid fire
The map I have long since expired
Lost in the forest I call my mind
On the outside ill keep claiming I’m just fine
Destiny has an odd way of changing
Luck constantly rearranging
All the things that you hold dear
Fate has no guides or maps as its destination is unclear
This mysterious feeling deep inside
Something that I have done nothing but hide
Is suddenly out for the world to see
I had shown my soul to you so unexpectedly
Here we are, finally, shaking
That kiss that sends the earth quaking
Your eyes light my heart ablaze
Please, God, don’t let this emotion fade
I don’t know where we are headed
I’m not sure if it should be dreaded
I don’t know if we will even make it out alive
But I know that I’m glad you are by my side
This journey we will take; destination unclear
It surprises me things are not as they appear
How this will end, only time will reveal
Please never forget how this moment made you feel
Because even if we aren’t meant to be
I don’t want you to forget all you meant to me
I promise I won’t let you fade to the past
Even if this has no chance to last
So for now, at least, kiss your sorrow goodbye
Let your happiness consume you, teach you to fly
Tomorrow this will not be just a dream to fear,
But instead a new adventure; destination unclear
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