Burning Out

There are days like today when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. This phenomenon is not to be taken too seriously, though. I am just burning out. I'm burning out of my dead-end job, of living at home, of seeing the same exact EXACT people every single day (minus a couple of intentional ones.) Burning out of my car, my routine, my dead-end in learning new things, my choice of books to read. Burning out on the food I eat and the starbucks drink I drink (thank god gingerbread will be here soon....), the things I have to say each day, and how I cant rearrange my room. I am burning out on my clothes and smoking and the music I listen to. I need to mix it up and mix it up soon. However, it's all a means to an end. The dead-end job is helping me save up money to move out on my own and eventually have a newer car. And I am pretty certain that as soon as I move out things will be shaken up just enough to allow me to get out of this funk that I am in. But until then, I am constantly on the search for change. Picking up new books, making new hobbies, trying to get into the old ones that I had let slide by. I need to get motivated.

I say all of this but at the end of the day, depression takes over. I don't have the energy to kick-start my life, and when it really boils down to it? The desire to. It's easier to just stick with things how they are and always were. This all ties in to that whole risk-taking phobia of mine. If I move out and I dont make it, I let down my parents, my friends, my boyfriend... myself. And there's nothing I hate more than being a disappointment.

I am trying to stay positive. In truth I have been more positive in this last month than I had in probably the entire year prior. So I suppose that in a small way- a very small way- I am making progress. It just doesn't feel that way. I am still the same old me when I look in the mirror. When I really take everything into consideration the simple idea that I know I want change says something.

Thanks for listening to my rediculous pity party, and I am confident that it will wear off. I just need to keep plowing through the routine until it becomes bearable again.

Night all.