Thursday, December 30, 2010
Suffocation
When do I get to finally claim control over my own life? When do I get to stop reporting to fucking everyone else about my own life? I literally can't do anything without prior permission from someone else. I can't stand it anymore. It hurts. I am turning 24 in 2 weeks and have no life of my own. I have accomplished nothing. I have gone nowhere. And even my pride is being taken away. I am basically still a teenager. Reporting to someone constantly. I am on the edge of a monumental breakdown.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Salsa, Etc.
I am ADDICTED to chips and salsa. (Guacamole is my favorite but let's face it... most of the year is not avocado season and it just isn't the same.)
I mean, yeah. I want to tour France and go wine tasting, go try pastas in Italy, but I'll tell you what. I wish I could take a salsa tour. Liquidy salsas, pico de gallo, all of it. With various recipes of tortilla chips. Mmmmmm mmmmm! My dad makes the best pico de gallo out there, only to be rivaled by a brand or two to be found at QFC and Trader Joes. But they still don't even tie. And as far as canned salsas go, I just cannot find out that is that amazing. I love them, sure. I am eating one now. I have tried mango salsa, regular salsa, hot salsa, green salsa, and "tropical salsa" (a combination of pineapple, oranges, cilantro, jalapenos, and other ingredients that I can only describe as 'salsa heaven') and yet still I feel unsatisfied.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a salsa cook book, because I am tempted to embark on the wonderful world of salsas come spring time. Meanwhile, I recently talked to Michael about getting out my dessert cook books and making one a week/every other week (as I can afford to buy ingredients.) Which also makes me want to try different pasta dishes. So these are things I need. A fancy dessert cookbook (possibly could be found in my own book shelf,) a salsa cookbook (don't even know if it exists,) and a book of nothing but pasta.
Basically I suppose what this completely pointless blog is coming down to, is one simple fact. I have a true love in my life.
And that,
is food.
With love, as always. Nom nom nom.
I mean, yeah. I want to tour France and go wine tasting, go try pastas in Italy, but I'll tell you what. I wish I could take a salsa tour. Liquidy salsas, pico de gallo, all of it. With various recipes of tortilla chips. Mmmmmm mmmmm! My dad makes the best pico de gallo out there, only to be rivaled by a brand or two to be found at QFC and Trader Joes. But they still don't even tie. And as far as canned salsas go, I just cannot find out that is that amazing. I love them, sure. I am eating one now. I have tried mango salsa, regular salsa, hot salsa, green salsa, and "tropical salsa" (a combination of pineapple, oranges, cilantro, jalapenos, and other ingredients that I can only describe as 'salsa heaven') and yet still I feel unsatisfied.
I wonder if there is such a thing as a salsa cook book, because I am tempted to embark on the wonderful world of salsas come spring time. Meanwhile, I recently talked to Michael about getting out my dessert cook books and making one a week/every other week (as I can afford to buy ingredients.) Which also makes me want to try different pasta dishes. So these are things I need. A fancy dessert cookbook (possibly could be found in my own book shelf,) a salsa cookbook (don't even know if it exists,) and a book of nothing but pasta.
Basically I suppose what this completely pointless blog is coming down to, is one simple fact. I have a true love in my life.
And that,
is food.
With love, as always. Nom nom nom.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Rushing in the 20somethings.
Time. This is something that has been on my mind as of late. "Time" is a very loose term; one to be taken in multiple ways. Something I don't understand, is how to we know whether we are rushing things when we are in our 20s? Yes, I realize that our 20s is still quite young and that we have a long way to travel. However. In my childhood and teens I feel like "time" was so much longer. A simple two months to a 15 year old could mean only one thing: Summer Vacation. This measly two months was infinitely enough time to recharge and refresh so that the return to school in fall felt like waking up from a very peaceful and restful night's sleep. If you took one of us: college students, moms, dads, employees.... and gave us a two month vacation, I am almost dead certain each one of us would whine uncontrollably.... "Can't I have more time?" Now, I do also realize that the life of a 20something is far more difficult and trying than that of an adolescent. However, I really do believe that it is not all about the difficulty of life. I believe it is the speed in which time goes while you're in your 20s. Rather, the perception of time moving along in your 20s. There is a gray area we all hit, someplace between 18 and 21, that all of the sudden when we come back out the other side of the place we didn't even know we were, life is passing us by. Time is speeding us forward with no possible way to hit the brakes.
The standards in which you hold yourself in your adolescence are so much different than that of a 20something. But here's the problem I am having. How do you know when you have officially moved beyond the "time is simply moving faster" level, and gone right into the "I am pushing myself too hard" zone. A relationship for example. When you are a teenager and feeling that puppy love, it doesn't really become "serious" until about a year. Or at least that's how it went for my group of friends. (Okay sure, in the moment at age 15 you think you're "in love" within 2 minutes of meeting a cute guy... but let's face it... looking back on it now, the "serious relationships" are definitely those that lasted a year or so.) Nowadays though, someone exclusively dates their significant other for four months are it's considered "serious." Not that I am in disagreement with this idea. I go along with it as well. We all do, on some level. Your friends, my friends, everyone knows someone who got married to their partner within a year of meeting. That's right. I said "meeting." Not "dating." And what's great? Odds are, you have already pictured "that" couple in your mind. There is nothing wrong with this. That's just the 20something Time Warp. It's like relationships hit light speed once you hit about 22 years old. Younger for a select few. Again, not disagreeing: merely pointing out what most of us have already noticed. So what is "too soon?" When does saying "I love you" become forcing it? When is "popping the question" considered rushing things? I know, I know. "It all depends on the couple." But my question is, how the hell can you tell?
Careers. That's another one. Whether you're a full time student or a part-time employee at Dairy Queen. Doesn't matter. The dreaded "career" is constantly on our minds. Invading conversation, interrupting sleep, effecting decisions, and driving our motives and emotions. Each individual has an age in mind by which they were supposed to be "grown-up." You know, career, family, house, car, thousands of dollars of debt with a dog and white fence. Mine was 26. I am quickly approaching 24 and, I can tell you with certainty, I am so far off. Was setting an "age" even a good idea? Was I pushing things for myself back before I even realized that the perception of time would speed up with each passing year? I think perhaps I did. But now that the years have begun to simply speed by me, I feel ever more often the impulse to speed up my life within that light-speed time. What I mean to say is, since I can feel the quicker pace in which time is moving by me (or the other way around) I feel even more compelled to shorten the amount of time I take to do things. Job hunting for example. Bad economy or not, within a few months of job hunting I've practically given up. A lot of people have. Within a year of being out of school and trying to save the money to go back, I almost feel as if it will never happen. I am only 23 years old. Why am I constantly in such a rush to reach the end?
Life is basically already simply a way to consume time before "The End." And regardless of what you may believe in (Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, body rotting 6 feet under) the End is inevitable. It WILL come. So am I right in wanting to move things along? Is my desire to truly experience life's offerings really within reason? I stand firm behind the notion that I want to taste life before I can't anymore. Therefore, I think my perception of how quickly I am to do that is a bit.... skewed. However, I also believe something a bit contradictory. And that, is that I am not rushing at all. I just have such a passion and desire for the magnificent things life can offer that I am feeling contained by time. Restrained, even.
I don't know, 20somethings. You tell me. What is "too fast," "too soon," and "too much." Is there even such a thing?
Something to ponder.
With love.
The standards in which you hold yourself in your adolescence are so much different than that of a 20something. But here's the problem I am having. How do you know when you have officially moved beyond the "time is simply moving faster" level, and gone right into the "I am pushing myself too hard" zone. A relationship for example. When you are a teenager and feeling that puppy love, it doesn't really become "serious" until about a year. Or at least that's how it went for my group of friends. (Okay sure, in the moment at age 15 you think you're "in love" within 2 minutes of meeting a cute guy... but let's face it... looking back on it now, the "serious relationships" are definitely those that lasted a year or so.) Nowadays though, someone exclusively dates their significant other for four months are it's considered "serious." Not that I am in disagreement with this idea. I go along with it as well. We all do, on some level. Your friends, my friends, everyone knows someone who got married to their partner within a year of meeting. That's right. I said "meeting." Not "dating." And what's great? Odds are, you have already pictured "that" couple in your mind. There is nothing wrong with this. That's just the 20something Time Warp. It's like relationships hit light speed once you hit about 22 years old. Younger for a select few. Again, not disagreeing: merely pointing out what most of us have already noticed. So what is "too soon?" When does saying "I love you" become forcing it? When is "popping the question" considered rushing things? I know, I know. "It all depends on the couple." But my question is, how the hell can you tell?
Careers. That's another one. Whether you're a full time student or a part-time employee at Dairy Queen. Doesn't matter. The dreaded "career" is constantly on our minds. Invading conversation, interrupting sleep, effecting decisions, and driving our motives and emotions. Each individual has an age in mind by which they were supposed to be "grown-up." You know, career, family, house, car, thousands of dollars of debt with a dog and white fence. Mine was 26. I am quickly approaching 24 and, I can tell you with certainty, I am so far off. Was setting an "age" even a good idea? Was I pushing things for myself back before I even realized that the perception of time would speed up with each passing year? I think perhaps I did. But now that the years have begun to simply speed by me, I feel ever more often the impulse to speed up my life within that light-speed time. What I mean to say is, since I can feel the quicker pace in which time is moving by me (or the other way around) I feel even more compelled to shorten the amount of time I take to do things. Job hunting for example. Bad economy or not, within a few months of job hunting I've practically given up. A lot of people have. Within a year of being out of school and trying to save the money to go back, I almost feel as if it will never happen. I am only 23 years old. Why am I constantly in such a rush to reach the end?
Life is basically already simply a way to consume time before "The End." And regardless of what you may believe in (Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, body rotting 6 feet under) the End is inevitable. It WILL come. So am I right in wanting to move things along? Is my desire to truly experience life's offerings really within reason? I stand firm behind the notion that I want to taste life before I can't anymore. Therefore, I think my perception of how quickly I am to do that is a bit.... skewed. However, I also believe something a bit contradictory. And that, is that I am not rushing at all. I just have such a passion and desire for the magnificent things life can offer that I am feeling contained by time. Restrained, even.
I don't know, 20somethings. You tell me. What is "too fast," "too soon," and "too much." Is there even such a thing?
Something to ponder.
With love.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Getting It Out There
There are things weighing on my mind this evening so I felt compelled to get them out in to the world so that hopefully I can let them go for at least a little while.
This is an annonymous message to a few people who will remain unnamed.
1. I miss you more than I can form into words, and I just pray that you know that.
2. Our friendship went to hell. And I am better off without you in my life.
3. I love you. Plain and simple.
4. I am thankful that you have been, and always will be, in my life.
5. Sometimes I look back on our memories and feel a little meloncholy... but mostly, I am just happy to have gotten past it all. Past you, past that time in my life.
6. I have no respect for you, and that will not change.
7. You are like family to me, and although I disagree with some of your decisions, I truly wish you nothing but the best.
This is an annonymous message to a few people who will remain unnamed.
1. I miss you more than I can form into words, and I just pray that you know that.
2. Our friendship went to hell. And I am better off without you in my life.
3. I love you. Plain and simple.
4. I am thankful that you have been, and always will be, in my life.
5. Sometimes I look back on our memories and feel a little meloncholy... but mostly, I am just happy to have gotten past it all. Past you, past that time in my life.
6. I have no respect for you, and that will not change.
7. You are like family to me, and although I disagree with some of your decisions, I truly wish you nothing but the best.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Gone But Never Forgotten
Everyone leaves a footprint on other human beings. At some point in our lives, multiple points in our lives, we impact some one's life permanently. That random meeting of a person that forever alters the direction your life will go; the people you meet, the job you have, the way you spend your free time, and therefore, who you grow into in that moment. Every smile you give a stranger, every eye-contact you give an acquaintance, and every word that you send a friend will alter who they are. Regardless of how small the impact, believe me, it's there.
She may not have been a huge part of my life. But as the 6th anniversary of my God Sister's death quickly approaches, I am reminded of how much the little interaction we had impacted me. She truly did effect me. This little note is just to solidify to myself that she is still in my thoughts. She took herself out of this world, but in my heart she will live on vicariously through my experiences. I think that even though I have some serious work to do on my life, she would be rather proud of the woman I am slowly becoming.
Take this into consideration. The next time you have the opportunity to hold open a door for someone, or smile at a stranger looking your direction, take it. Talk to your loved ones. Express how you feel. Because you will impact their existence in such a way that I cannot even describe to you. On a similar note, when a serendipitous encounter occurs, take hold of the reigns and ride it out! Trust me when I tell you: it will pay off.
Just ask my boyfriend.
With love,
Always.
She may not have been a huge part of my life. But as the 6th anniversary of my God Sister's death quickly approaches, I am reminded of how much the little interaction we had impacted me. She truly did effect me. This little note is just to solidify to myself that she is still in my thoughts. She took herself out of this world, but in my heart she will live on vicariously through my experiences. I think that even though I have some serious work to do on my life, she would be rather proud of the woman I am slowly becoming.
Take this into consideration. The next time you have the opportunity to hold open a door for someone, or smile at a stranger looking your direction, take it. Talk to your loved ones. Express how you feel. Because you will impact their existence in such a way that I cannot even describe to you. On a similar note, when a serendipitous encounter occurs, take hold of the reigns and ride it out! Trust me when I tell you: it will pay off.
Just ask my boyfriend.
With love,
Always.
Hmmm
Uggg....
Paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to get some sleep before I start obsessing unnecessarily.
Paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to get some sleep before I start obsessing unnecessarily.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Ruin is a Gift
Just a couple of things to talk about on my mind.
One: The words "uh-oh" or "oops" in a hair salon. When a woman walks in to a hair salon, the last thing in any language she wants to hear is either "uh-oh" or "oops." At work, no biggie. In the kitchen at home, no biggie. Art project, no biggie. You're getting the idea. But I'll tell you what, you get the row of mirrors with a woman in front of each; either with scissors currently being held up with hair in them, or head full of foil. Then you place a hairdresser somewhere in the midst and have them say "oops," and every single back is going to straighten and all eyes will widen. On a similar note, I still can't get used to my hair. In fact, when I saw a picture of my boyfriend and I together with this hair, I was saddened. Everyone else loves it. I sadly, do not. I hope that adding more blonde to it will help me like it more.
Two: I currently have two musical instruments in my room, and can I just say: Music, I have missed you. And I am so glad to have you re-entering my life.
Three: There are so many things I want to commit to, without any idea how to do it. Take time on my yoga mat every day. Play music in free time instead of just stuffing my face. Save money- stop going out for lunch when I have soup in my kitchen. Quit smoking. Sometime, hopefully soon, I will find the will power to do all of these things.
Four: Seriously anyone who has not yet read Eat Pray Love needs to get on it. I realize that not everyone will have the same reaction to it that I did. As basically the book is becoming much like a bible to me, and now that I own the movie, it literally speaks to my soul. But in all seriousness, it gives some magnificent new views. How to really enjoy life. How to let go and cry. How to love yourself. To be free of guilt and pain. Here's a quote from it for you to sit on.
"I realized that maybe my own life hasnt been so chaotic. It's just the world that is, and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
Five: Every day I open myself up to love more and more. And you know what? I really believe that it is making a difference in the quality of my life. And it will pay off. Everything that is meant to happen will.
And that is where I leave off tonight.
Goodnight.
With love.
One: The words "uh-oh" or "oops" in a hair salon. When a woman walks in to a hair salon, the last thing in any language she wants to hear is either "uh-oh" or "oops." At work, no biggie. In the kitchen at home, no biggie. Art project, no biggie. You're getting the idea. But I'll tell you what, you get the row of mirrors with a woman in front of each; either with scissors currently being held up with hair in them, or head full of foil. Then you place a hairdresser somewhere in the midst and have them say "oops," and every single back is going to straighten and all eyes will widen. On a similar note, I still can't get used to my hair. In fact, when I saw a picture of my boyfriend and I together with this hair, I was saddened. Everyone else loves it. I sadly, do not. I hope that adding more blonde to it will help me like it more.
Two: I currently have two musical instruments in my room, and can I just say: Music, I have missed you. And I am so glad to have you re-entering my life.
Three: There are so many things I want to commit to, without any idea how to do it. Take time on my yoga mat every day. Play music in free time instead of just stuffing my face. Save money- stop going out for lunch when I have soup in my kitchen. Quit smoking. Sometime, hopefully soon, I will find the will power to do all of these things.
Four: Seriously anyone who has not yet read Eat Pray Love needs to get on it. I realize that not everyone will have the same reaction to it that I did. As basically the book is becoming much like a bible to me, and now that I own the movie, it literally speaks to my soul. But in all seriousness, it gives some magnificent new views. How to really enjoy life. How to let go and cry. How to love yourself. To be free of guilt and pain. Here's a quote from it for you to sit on.
"I realized that maybe my own life hasnt been so chaotic. It's just the world that is, and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
Five: Every day I open myself up to love more and more. And you know what? I really believe that it is making a difference in the quality of my life. And it will pay off. Everything that is meant to happen will.
And that is where I leave off tonight.
Goodnight.
With love.
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