Just to add another blog, really get it started, I copy pasted a note I made on Facebook.
when i slow down and take a look at my life i am saddened. i cannot explain this phenominon, as technically i do realize that i am young and have plenty of time to get on track. but i just am not living up to what i could be... i am not going the directions i want. i have lost my drive and my will to strive for my dreams. somewhere along the way i gave up. i dont know when it was, or when exactly i realized it. but i did. i let myself go. every day is a new battle to try and find it again. "it" being the desire to do good. and i dont mean "do well." i mean do good. i want to help people. i want to make a child smile. i want to look back on these years and not regret a single thing. i want to reach for the stars, and grab them. i want to feel content with myself at the end of the night, and happiness from within every morning. i stopped going to counceling. not because i cant afford it, or because i dont need it anymore. but because it is easier not to go, than to go.
i am listening to this beautiful song being played by Jon Schmidt, a composer, called "Hymn of Nature." and i wonder to myself, when did i decide that music was unfulfilling? and i dont mean listening to it, as i still so actively do. but i mean writing it. playing it. living it. on my life list is to own a piano again, or atleast a nice keyboard. and i will.
most people look at me, and they cant see the sadness. the discomfort. the distaste for my own life. but its there. bubbling under the surface, threatening to ruin everything i wish i could have. i dont totally know why i am admitting this in public in this manner. clear my conscience? maybe. get attention? not really, no. i think its really just that... if i put it out there, into the cosmic void, i take ownership and responsibility for these feelings. i take back control.
i have given up on hobbies. i stopped doing everything i love to do, and for what? i dont even remember. i expect more from myself. i want more for myself. i guess im really just trying to find my way back to me.
one day at a time, right?
you may not know this, although I can't remember if I told you this or not, but anyway, I consider you a role model as well as a good friend. why??? becuz even though you don't think people can see your sadness, I can feel it. Yet, you still move through the day and not let it get you down on the outside, not control your life. It seems you become, and are stronger becuz of this. I don't think its a good idea to give on your hobbies, I know how much you LOVE photography! I think that is better any counselor. your photography is your vise and you need it more than anyone else knows. I guess all in all I wanted to let you know there are people here to listen and/or take pictures with you anytime you need to get away from life, work, or anything else on your mind. :]
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